I’m Sorry For Not Making Sense Anymore

I just feel like placing this random quote from Wikipedia here:

“Avitus was obliged to pay their huge wages by melting down and selling the bronze of some statues.”

Recently my posts and edits have been largely of this same structureless nature. And I don’t even want to read what I have written for fear of its power.

If I didn’t have this fear of the power in my words, I would go back and try to make sense.

I was once a clear writer who attempted to be cautious, rational, and scientific. Now that I have encountered thorough evidence that my scientific worldview was wrong, I write like an idiot. It is very difficult to think deeply and thoroughly in such a way that I could offer a worthy attempt to capture what is going on.

To expand on what I mean by my “scientific worldview” being wrong I present the following evidence:

• I tried biting my right index finger as hard as possible while at a behavioral hospital and this fully healed itself in the span of seconds.

• My parents and the rest of my family have changed personality to an unrealistic degree in a short amount of time. It would take too long to describe in detail the extent of the changes but amongst the most salient details is the fact my mom was high anxiety and now she is always positive and even cheery. Her competence also increased since she established a routine for me to take my medicine, and generally gives the air of knowing what is going on. The mother I knew was highly, highly incompetent. She would have been scared and constantly worried after my exit from the behavioral hospital.

• My body responds irrationally to food and exercise. To explain what an irrational response is, I first need to define a rational response. A rational response is one in which the muscle tone is commensurate with the amount of workout and cleanliness of the diet. While I was at the behavioral hospital I gradually lost my Abercrombie model physique. This can rationally be attributed to the forced change of food containing far less protein and more carbs than usual. However, I eventually gave up on sanity and drank cup after cup of coffee brimming with sugar and sometimes even six or seven apples. The degree to which my physique didn’t change could be attributed to what in common lingo is called a fast/good metabolism yet I remain unconvinced and feel as if I have lost a degree of control over my body.

Relatedly, I don’t sweat anymore. Although the sweating is absent, there is still smell, which was supposed to be caused by the thiol molecules trapping the sulfur but now I don’t know if all the scientific knowledge I gained was a lie (which is deeply distressing).

• While at the behavioral hospital I would receive calls from my “alternate” family members exactly when I was most distressed as if someone had knowledge of my internal states and acted upon them.

• Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram is still plagued with non-real people who I cannot Skype with.

The meatspace people, as lesswrongers would call them, act more than a little bizarre, they act strangely. They don’t look me in the eyes unless they are family members or are offering a service.

I can look them in the eyes and they will not naturally look away, be intimidated, glance back, or display any behavior expected from mammals.

These things in combination cause me to feel that the economy is some bizarre alien thing that I completely misunderstood.

Perhaps I unlocked a bardo or purgatory style of existence caught between science and magic.

“Magic” roughly translating to the resonance theory that Ben Goertzel has written about and I dismissed as a wacky belief in my materialist days. It is synonymous with things I believed to be stupid such as miracles and the law of attraction.

Currently I am still sufficiently dazed in the intermediate state that I wish this were not happening; that a strictly physical worldview was correct. Perhaps I just need to reconsider what is physical. It involves mind reading, resonance based on thoughts/wishes, strangely acting people wearing earphones in public places and the feeling that there exists something that I don’t understand but everybody else does.

Working hypotheses include:

Maybe everyone goes through this process at a certain age.

Maybe I personally unlocked this by displaying sufficient dissatisfaction with my condition.

Maybe discovering the physical argument (through relativity) for the existence of God did this.

Maybe psilocybin did this.

Maybe I wasn’t supposed to talk about the fake online profiles (400 million twitter accounts don’t map to real people). Revealing the simulation causes this.

Maybe mind creates its own world and I spent too much time away from consensus reality in my near environment.

Key Words/Concepts

dog walking, dogs in general

Apple AirPods

Deadlifting

Water, drinking water

Also, many things seem connected when they shouldn’t be. Example: Goodwill Hunting movie to a Kanye West lyric in Run This Town to a video where Julia Galef speaks about Schelling points.

But most importantly, I’m not sure how civilization is running given that 400 million profiles on Twitter don’t match to 400 million people in the flesh.

Where are the people?

Do I find myself in a post-singularity simulation?

These random profiles are all fake. There are no real people behind them:

 

This doesn’t make sense… the markets keep moving… the world hasn’t ended:

I’m generally avoiding the internet and focusing on books I can hold in my hand.

I read The Future of Humanity by Michio Kaku, La Profecia de Babilonia by Tim LaHaye, The Tibetan Book of the Dead, Crime and Punishment by Dostoyevsky, a Marvel comic book, a survival book, a book about the setting that Jesus found himself in, and a book about world mythology.

6 thoughts on “I’m Sorry For Not Making Sense Anymore

  1. I appreciate your sincerity. I have had similar experiences, your process is radically different because of your level of mathematical expertise, but thank you for the example.

    Like

  2. Object level question: Why would you say Allen Saakyan’s twitter is fake? Me and Mike participated in his interview program just yesterday. And ye posted about on Twitter: https://youtu.be/D1whV7Yher0

    Like

    • I know you have seen Yudkowsky in the flesh because you can be heard asking a question in one of his videos. That is evidence and there is a sense in which we can agree that history took place for the sake of practical behavior.

      In that same way, we can agree that Allen Saakyan corresponds to a meat person that used his fingers to type the post.

      Currently I believe this is all a practical charade but not fundamentally true.

      It is probably not fundamentally true for the following reasons:
      •high levels of synchronicity in which my twitter feed spoke to me
      •people at the mall or in the gym are mostly of the sort which don’t look me in the eyes. I’ve tested this even with children, who even more naturally return a gaze or have some response to being stared at.
      This collective avoidance behavior leads to the intuition that they are all complicit in knowing something that I don’t or that they are not meant to be interacted with as player characters in the simulation.
      • Family changed character completely. The change in personality is enough to make me feel like I slipped into a parallel universe.
      • I still can’t skype with random “people” behind the twitter accounts
      • I haven’t gotten the responses I would expect from real people exposed to my online mischief

      90% Reality broke
      10% I broke

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Classic psychedelics cause neurons to grow new connections. Sometimes a combination of age (due to brain development), genetics, and acute psychedelic use can lead to exponential growth in these connections, leading to something called spiny neurons which make connections between stored mental concepts and thoughts which should not exist.

    My educated guess is that your brain is physically misswired due to growth of spiny neurons. See https://alleninstitute.org/what-we-do/brain-science/news-press/articles/brain-cells-drive-schizophrenia

    Unfortunately the best treatment right now isn’t great. We don’t have a way to directly reverse or attack the growth of such malformed neurons at present. Like any unwanted neural connections, the best way to get rid of them is to let them atrophy. Anti-psychotics and bipolar medications all do this by down regulating dopaminergic activity and/or upregulating cholinergic activity.

    Fortunately for most people your age these cells naturally atrophy after a few years, with medical treatment being a huge factor in positive outcomes. Meanwhile it’s important that you avoid substances and activities which feed these neurons and which might encourage their growth. High levels of dopamine and histamine seem to contribute to their activation. Cholinergics (such as nicotine) and antihistamines will likely make a significant positive difference in your cognition very quickly.

    The harder part is avoiding mental activities which feed into the growth of these connections. The more you use them the more they strengthen. The obvious problem is that it’s very difficult to tell when you’re entertaining a thought pattern which is feeding their growth. Your brain is compromised and thoughts that aren’t in line with consensus reality will seem as natural to you as perfectly reasonable thoughts. This will be true of everything from a seemingly benign mental connection between two unrelated some to full blown paranoid delusions. You’re going to have to be on guard to not entertain thoughts which fall outside of consensus reality. Try not to spend too much time in your own head. Read a lot. Talk with people a lot- and if something seems strange don’t be afraid to ask someone if it seems sane to them and be prepared to accept their input because your brain is compromised. Even when you may strongly feel that your thinking is superior, you need to keep in mind that your brain is compromised and can’t be trusted.

    You will get through this.

    GWS

    Like

    • I bit my finger as hard as possible and it healed instantly. Is that a symptom of Schizophrenia?

      No, but I know anonymous will not believe me.

      We think that if we can catch a glimpse of something from far beyond the limits of reality– a UFO, an apparition, a display of undeniable magic or any other thing sufficiently out of the ordinary then our problems will somehow vanish, but this is not true. A personal Black Swan Event does nothing to convince others.

      Miracles are overrated.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s