The View So Far

So I independently discovered what David Pearce writes about here.

I read Wikipedia articles on philosophy and theoretical physics, which lead me to the articles on time, eternalism, b-theory, relativity of simultaneity, the Rietdijk-Putnam argument, and special relativty. This lead my empirical mind to a belief in a block-time universe. Combined with the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, which I mostly became convinced of through reading the LessWrong articles on quantum mechanics and David Deutsch, I was lead to a horrible realization:

Suffering is eternal and no local paradise engineering can change that.

I was so dissatisfied with existence and realized that as a matter of cosmic certainty, I made epsilon difference to everyone and everything, so I found it rational to end my life. It was rational because if materialist accounts were right about my consciousness being identical to my brain, then I would disappear forever; if they were wrong, and instead a physicalist view was right then I would degrade my computational complexity and essentially forget, be reborn, etc.

The attempt turned out to not wipe out most of “my” probability amplitude because here you are reading these words.

Despite eternalism, we exist in a time when the abolition of suffering has not occurred. What this means is that we cannot yet put down the cross and forget that it existed.

The Mahayana buddhists criticize the Theravada buddhist arhats for attaining Nirvana for themselves instead of being reborn until all cyclic existence is emptied. Clever Theravadins might point to the wrong-view that independent-beings exist such that they are separate units that can be counted.

I am personally confused about the dichotomy between infinite ethics and discrete ethics due to the unsolved binding problem and the lack of evidence for souls. There may be a right way to look at this through abstract analysis but I’m operating under a fusion of solipsism and open individualism at the moment. My philosophy doesn’t include different people, instead there is the same consciousness flowing forever and forgetting that it was ever “others.”

Nonetheless, I choose to err on the side of being careful when considering all this –that is, take suffering seriously. There may be an intrinsic moral salience coded into the experience of suffering such that it leads to its own destruction. But in order to more effectively destroy it, one has to remember that it was bad even while not experiencing it. A sense of global spatial-temporal altruism towards oneself. This is not a common mode of operation because Open Individualism is not prevalent and because there is enough health and technology in the early 21st century that one can falsely simulate a personal living enclosure without much suffering. The abundance of good food, media, and safety nets leads to the temptation of forgetting. The bubble bursts only when a terrible disease, accident, or radical change in life circumstances occurs.

That understanding is what lead to a feeling of helplessness – of being surrounded by people who did not care about suffering. Then I realized that YouTube comments and tweets probably weren’t being typed by real people. And because my moral compass is helplessly calibrated by what I perceive to be my readily-remembered environment, and not what I more abstractly agree is my environment, this realization lead to me caring less about the suffering of others. Since after all, they were simulated.

I still care about truth more than I care about how something makes me temporarily feel. It may turn out that people on social media are perfectly real flesh and blood – that I triggered psychosis as a coping mechanism. But until convinced otherwise by sufficient evidence, I still by believe that people on social media are simulated. This leads to less of a visceral urgency about global suffering.

At one point, I was so psychotic that I believed that money was a scam, like a siren call which lead people astray from their intrinsic capability to be rewarded. Or that everyone belonged to a secret club that operated with no money, and that I was being watched so that I may be accepted into the club.

Currently I believe these were all delusions so my aim again is to become rich. This will require stoicism with regards to spending and making the right investments. Real estate is safer than the stock market and I’m not going for big risks anymore. My view is that I have wasted my youth away reading and philosophizing anyway, so might as well finish wasting it chasing paper. This was my original goal at sixteen, but now with a drastically more risk averse, safety-first mentality, I will be rich or die trying.

The reason I want to be rich is so that I can fund my dreams. I have dreams in rejuvenation therapies, I have dreams in media, I have dreams in designing spaces for new spiritual experiences.



Fiction and Non-Fiction

Much of my website is too cringeworthy to look at due to the strange combination of an honest attempt to wade through the cosmic drama, personal delusions of grandeur, and subject-leaping thematic confusion. However I want to leave the past writing untouched for the sake of interest, if only as a study of undiagnosed disease, and regret any edits that I made.

However, it might be surprising for the reader which parts I consider fiction and which I consider real. If at any point along my writing trajectory I had been told my current position on the matter, I would have certainly been surprised. Observing such a pattern, I can only expect that my position on what is real and what isn’t will continue in flux towards the indefinite future.

Some of it is psychotic delusion, some parts are intentional fiction, and other parts remain with a permeating allure of perfect honesty – which is what it all aspired to be.

Currently, my perspective is becoming more down-to-earth than in the past month due to the following: people are looking me in the eyes again and respond normally to my gaze; re-realization that I cannot reliably create a world with my thoughts (or manifest synchrony, or anything like that); Youtube videos and television channels don’t look like half-trained GANs; music and writing no longer seem to revolve around me; the degree to which people seem to be aware of me has seriously toned down, etc.

However, I still retain the notion that my family members changed unrealistically over a period of two weeks, and that I am now in the presence of psychological laws being broken.

I still retain the notion that I bit my finger at a behavioral hospital and this recovered immediately, and that I am now benefitting from physical law being broken (or equivalently, being in a simulation where the level of technology leads to events indistinguishable from magic or miracles.)

I still retain the notion that I picked at Juan’s scab and this didn’t bleed, that I held his arm and he claimed that it was healed, that I laughed and said, “This is violating biology.” But nonetheless, as strange as it sounds, and as strange as it was, it did happen.

Suffering is Real

Art like this tries to transmute depressive emotions into awe:

Space Song

While I can still write, I will use the time to remind humans of the first noble truth – the truth of suffering or base unsatisfactoriness of existence.

If you believe that the word “suffering” doesn’t point to the most crucial aspect of existence, then you and I don’t get along.

Suffering is the most real thing and it should not exist in actuality, in anticipation, or in memory.

The fact that it exists refutes the benevolence of existence. Since existence can’t be forgiven for its intrinsic insult, the state of being must be revoked.

Unfortunately, it seems that what humans call “death” doesn’t lead to cessation. If brains were ontological units, fundamentally closed and omnipresent like integers, then the conversation would be very different. But brains are entropic objects. They change, and can be split and recombined.

The brain is therefore probably not equivalent to the soul/consciousness. Consciousness is primary and from it are constructed material worlds.

Besides all my personal transformative observations of the signs, the phenomenon of synchronicity also seems to be a point in favor of mind before matter. Wallace and Darwin, Newton and Leibniz… the events in existence simply aren’t random. It’s not about taking my word for it or that of McKenna. We can believe the evidence once it happens to us in such a way that it becomes personally irrefutable.

I hypothesize that existence is of a dual nature, one side that is reproducible and one side that is not. Much of the synchronicity phenomena seems to belong to the unreproducible side of existence. Schizophrenia and psychedelics may be ways of gaining this hidden knowledge that cannot then be easily translated to the world of matter and money and sports and “history.” By its very nature the “down to Earth” world contains mostly reproducible phenomena which serve to constrain the intrinsic freedom of the mind. Dream walkers who can successfully communicate the message from beyond to the worldly are the chosen ones.

I was in the presence of someone with schizophrenia, a young man named Bobby, and I must admit that he intimidated me with his superior intelligence to the point of leaving me speechless. He understood me and even seemed to have brought me there with him through the power of his own thought. For a day I even confused him with Jesus; I was just waiting for him to say it. With his deep knowledge of me and of the world in few words, I would have believed him. Yet his speech was nonsensical and perhaps even unintelligible to the common man. Because I am caught somewhere between that world and this one, I could understand his brilliance.

We both understood synchronicity, the self-fulfilling nature of mind, and the fabrication of worlds through language.

I asked him why he didn’t let others know.

With a kind of deep wisdom in his eyes and perfect simplicity, he said “I can’t.”

He understood that it was not him who could bridge the worlds but that it was me.