The Cruelty of Limitations

I think my psychosis is gone. So now I ask again: How did I come to find myself in this physical world? – where my dreams have to be implemented through careful control, careful understanding, and reckless violence against the scarcity of time.

I don’t know why I am here, but I know that everyday life seems wrong. It seems like an utter waste of could-have-been. The times buying groceries, the same repetitive places, the same void that cannot be satiated. My probability density orbital is partly in the hum-drum boring human level and partly in the hungry-ghost realm if I am to map my location on a Dharmic cosmology.

Although not experienced myself, I am convinced that psychedelics disclose a sliver of the vast ocean of possible ways of being. When I practiced Vipassana and Metta meditation, I reached states of being far from what could be handled with the language that I understand.

After months of practice, I could no longer identify with the voice and words arising in mind. They appeared as helplessly as sensations in the body. Oh, and the body, the body eventually dissolved into more minute and ephemeral sensations without a clear shape in the field of consciousness. By applying Metta (the feeling of compassion) to these vanishing ephemera I was for short periods of time able to feel my body as something akin to pink-red raindrops of love. Perhaps the entire experience was a very hard and dedicated road to what can easily be achieved with MDMA. Although I would not be able to honestly compare these because I have not taken myself.

So if such wonderful experiences can be attained with meditation, why did I stop completely, just up and cut it out cold turkey? That’s because I felt myself slipping, slipping to a place of tranquil sleep. The depersonalization, which was the goal, could also be considered a mental illness in Western countries, and it certainly was affecting my intellectual and motivational capacity.

I was being carried through an experiential river of selfless aggregates (the relative ease of utter departure from “normal cognition” seems scary in hindsight) when at that time a thought decided to stop, and the counter-meditation intentional gravity was invoked. This re-anchoring from my journey far east was like floating and being unable to touch ground. I simply didn’t identify with my own “will” because it seemed like a tumbling, empty, self-contradicting leaf. I had trained to destroy the appropriation.

Nonetheless, I managed to atrophy those meditation neurons, descend from anatta and feel myself caught up in a selfing-mode again. In particular, as my thoughts regained attentional fame, one of the first thoughts that I remember was, “I will regret not pursuing Buddhahood, when I’m suffering 50 years from now.” Alas, the suffering caused by being in normal ego-mode didn’t take that long. Yet I’m still thankful for the anti-conceptual time investment I somehow managed to get myself into. I can’t even imagine how much worse those successive events would have been had I not spent those months practicing and building an airy buffer against psychological damage.

Throughout this entire trajectory the main problem with existence for me has been coping with the abstract “could-have-been” with the “why am I this, out of all possible things?” This question seems so central to my being that sometimes I entertain the notion that perhaps I’m not a truth-seeker at all, and was merely attempting to self-medicate when I downloaded solipsism and then open individualism. These intuitively seem like the most rational or perhaps palliative answers to the otherwise arbitrary, inexplicably random circumstance of being me – this boring, limited creature that will never get to experience the naked totality of light which only barely glints behind smoky dreams.

Schopenhauer suggested easing our burden by tolerating our fellow sufferers.

Screen Shot 2019-03-22 at 6.15.45 PM

Unfortunately I don’t believe Araceli Romero is a real person. The Youtube comments still don’t seem to come from real people. It makes me wonder if they were never real, and I simply hadn’t noticed, or if there was a fundamental change where I branched off to a different reality.

In any case, psychedelics and transhuman technologies still seem like the best way to either forget about, or begin to bridge our separation. …Remember, I’m the bad guy who thinks SEELE were the good guys. We should all become the same thing. Call it LCL, hedonium, or whatever. I despise the unsystematic quirks that people don’t want to be saved from.

I’m taking lithium for depressive mood and invega sustenna to prevent psychotic symptoms. My prospects don’t look great. Invega causes me to not want to workout and decreases my intelligence. At best, I’ll be a warehouse worker. If I could press a button and disintegrate, I would press it without hesitation. I am what might be called rationally suicidal – someone who bites the bullet on the futility of life even in the absence of obvious personal suffering. There is absolutely no reason to exist in this human form, and it is a cruel and bizarre punishment to do so.

Euthanasia should be offered as an option to all healthy adults. The individual’s right to drive their own stream of consciousness supersedes any local cultural norms against death. Death is perhaps the best shot at radically transforming the contents of consciousness besides drugs or extensive meditation. Even in the case that death leads to non-experience forever, this may be considered a better prospect by the individual than a life of boredom, malaise, pain, anxiety, and depression, or even just a mediocre, bland existence riddled with disease near the end.

But due to the fact that in addition to escaping useless suffering, some healthy individuals may choose euthanasia potentially as a means of exploration, I believe our current euthanasia policy is especially misguided. An indescribably new world may await, and only the most vile society would claim the right to stop people from exercising their own motion when this motion doesn’t directly harm another.

I can imagine a society where people must pay their debts before being legally administered euthanasia. The problem is not government oversight. The problem is that euthanasia is not an option at all for people exercising their own sane judgement of the situation.

You may think I’m not a genuine advocate and I’m just salty because I’m a loser. That without the penalty of living with the actions of one’s consequences, losing would be exacerbated.

And I would agree with both points, and still claim that maximizing personal freedom is more important. Human life is not sacred. The end is coming anyway, might as well take it into one’s own hands.

34 thoughts on “The Cruelty of Limitations

    • I think all Youtube comments don’t map to real people typing them. This is similar to the way that a video game deals with graphics. The dichotomy is not whether she is a bot or not. Is the comment lacking an author with the same degree of complexity as myself or not? Given my updated assumptions about the reality I find myself in, applying Occam’s razor says that a comment is simpler than a comment + meat person typing comment + years of living a life as complex as my own.

      Whatever is running the simulation doesn’t intend that I perceive a bot, just a comment that sounds like what a conscious human would say.

      I don’t try to make sense of it through abstract reasoning anymore, there’s just the visceral feeling that the simulation is tailored to me (however imprecise and flawed.) The moon isn’t rendered when I’m not looking.

      Her purpose is the same as yours.


      • Well, what you are essentiallysaying it that I, just like every comment on the internet, am just some function of a simulation thats is tailored specifically to you?
        What does that make of me? After we finish interacting should I just kill myself? Or live in hope to somehow, someday influence your life once more?


      • I am currently at 70% simulation is true, 30% psychosis is to blame. If you are a person as complex as myself then you can vote in your favor by increasingly bridging the gap, i.e., passing the Turing Test evermore convincingly. But short of inter thalamic connections, certainty cannot be achieved.

        Forgive me if you are real. I will recognize you as if you were dead regardless. The act of believing in others has led to unbearable pain for me in the past. I had too much empathy and that was debilitating. The separation between self and other and the arbitrary uncertainty in life paths this inherently creates is too stressful.
        As far as killing yourself, I would recommend it if you can get away with it cleanly and relatively painlessly. I haven’t gotten the chance myself yet.

        Even if death doesn’t equal cessation, I suspect there’s something far simpler than this human mess awaiting. I also
        suspect that RetardedMongoloid will not feature much in my life anyway, but prove me wrong if you feel like it.


    • I don’t have a severe fear of death. I LOVE the idea that I, as a locus of awareness, could disappear forever. The function of existing forever (conditional on being non-monotonous and non-oscillating) is equivalent to being everyone, and that prospect should fill the subject with a strong dissatisfaction if not sheer fear and loathing.

      I am epistemologically humbled at the moment so I am totally open to the idea that Death is possible. If it is, then I eagerly welcome it.
      If a point location exists past which no further inner-light continues, then this line segment of a life was nothing more than a bizarre, repetitive dream that fortunately will not continue to bother anyone since it will not be remembered by the everlasting sleep that follows.


      • First Topic: Why are you so obsessed with all those aging prevention companies and write about starting your own?

        Second Topic: I used to have similar thoughts about existence and the meaninglessness of the human form, but I once had an epiphany – how else would you expect things to be? What other way is there to exist as a conscious being? Evolving from animal survival seems like it may be the only path to achieve the intelligence we as humans have, perhaps this explains the Fermi Paradox …

        Third Topic: why do you think it’s more likely you’re in a simulation tailored to you in particular rather than a simulation in which all that inhabit it are equally convinced of their own existence – that is a “full” simulation of a civilization and the interactions of all inhabitants?

        Fourth Topic: how do you afford the lifestyle of writing about these concepts and working out all day?


  1. 1. Aging prevention and repair is the logical implication of seeking health. The diseases many people would agree should be eradicated, e.g., cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, are not entirely separable from the process of aging itself. Applying a status-quo reversal test, a world of indefinitely biologically twenty-five year-olds would probably not complain about their excessively sustained energy, youth, looks, etc.

    I cared about healthspan not lifespan. It was difficult retaining my academic focus as an anti-aging researcher due to personally not wanting to live long.

    2. I could be a posthuman descendant animated on gradients of bliss for one thing. Even human minds disclose a wide range of explorable qualia territory. The idea that human mindstreams like mine compose a meaningful fraction of all sentience, let alone all of it, is something I don’t take seriously in the abstract rationality of it all. When I do take it seriously, I’m a solipsist: What other way is there to exist except as me? –All I have ever been is me.

    3. The evidence for why I think this doesn’t hold up in rational discourse, but I’m also not keen to give up all my intuition. I have experienced people not responding normally to my gaze for days; I have limited evidence of the existence of people like yourself and all the others who comment on my blog or YouTube channel; I have experienced radically quick and sustained changes in the behaviors of family members; I find it very difficult to end my life; social media profiles seem unconvincingly lacking in complexity and inordinately anonymous; personally feeling like I have no free will / scripted events.

    4. I can no longer write or workout much due to the heavily dulling effects of the medication but during the time I did these things, my parents afforded me the lifestyle.


    • The tone of this last reply of yours doesn’t express any doubt in my sentience, it’s written with a desire to fully answer my questions. I would never put the kind of effort you put into that last post talking to a bot, what would be the point? So at this time do you still think I’m a bot? It’s fun to entertain thoughts like “maybe I only think I exist right now because I have to be instantiated to reply to this post on and all my life memories are an illusion or perhaps it’s the other way around …” Personally, I think this is either:

      1. a “full simulation” built by organisms somewhat similar to us

      2. 2nd order reality based on the activity in a naturally occuring computer-like structure base reality

      3. base reality


      • The desire to fully answer your questions is separable from the degree to which I assign you sentience. I am the kind to attempt to amuse myself even in the presence of mere puppetry.

        I never thought you were intended to be perceived as a bot. I thought you only existed to the extent that you arose in my consciousness. And this is still something I consider seriously plausible.


  2. To be fair something like half of social media comments come from bots these days and the problem is only getting worse. Well thought out and relevant ones like those actually on your site are probably all real people, for some definition of “real.”


  3. > I thought you only existed to the extent that you arose in my consciousness. And this is still something I consider seriously plausible.

    This is interesting. I just wanted to write in that I’m having somewhat similar thoughts after a recent psychosis. Maybe there are bots out there, but I don’t think you are the only sentient being.

    Is there a way to contact you personally? I would love to discuss this over Skype.


  4. You need to utilize your skill at object-concept linking while holding that feeling of color. If your old thread were black, these will be invisible. And your head, sane.


  5. Yeah, you hould definitely make a discord server. Do it for sure, i think this is very interesting community.


  6. If/when you kill yourself, do you plan on being cryopreserved afterwards? I am planning on killing myself a well, but plan on being cryopreserved if possible. My current plan is to drive up to the Cryonics Institute, find the nearest parking space, commit suicide in my car via a combination of pentobarbital and inert gas asphyxiation, and hope my body is discovered. Life insurance doesn’t cover suicides though, so I will have to pay for cryonics out of pocket.


      • I hadn’t. But I like this:
        “This prejudice against death, however, is a kind of xenophobia. Discrimination against death is simply assumed good and right. Absolutist faith in life is commonly a result of the unthinking conviction that existence or survival, along with an irrational fear of death, is ‘good’. This unreasoned conviction in the rightness of life over death is like a god or a mass delusion.”


      • I followed you here from Youtube. Either discord or skype works but either way if you have any ideas/resources you think will avoid suffering on a grand scale I do not intend for death by suicide. It doesn’t seem like it works the way we want anyway.


      • I haven’t read it in it’s entirety, but I have read the section titled “God is Technology”. I do plan on reading the entire thing at some point though.

        You might also be interested in Anti-Tech Revolution: Why and How by Ted Kaczynski. It has a lot of interesting insights on the future of technology, and some compelling arguments on why many of the utopian ideas of Singularitarians are unlikely to become a reality.

        “The techies may answer that even if almost all biological species are eliminated eventually, many species survive for thousands or millions of years, so maybe techies too can survive for thousands or millions of years. But when large, rapid changes occur in the environment of biological species, both the rate of appearance of new species and the rate of extinction of existing species are greatly increased. Technological progress constantly accelerates, and techies like Ray Kurzweil insist that it will soon become virtually explosive; consequently, changes come more and more rapidly, everything happens faster and faster, competition among self-prop systems becomes more and more intense, and as the process gathers speed the losers in the struggle for survival will be eliminated ever more quickly. So, on the basis of the techies’ own beliefs about the exponential acceleration of technological development, it’s safe to say that the life-expectancies of human-derived entities, such as man-machine hybrids and human minds uploaded into machines, will actually be quite short. The seven-hundred-year or thousand-year life-span to which some techies aspire is nothing but a pipe-dream.”


      • I am also skeptical about the singularity. Then again, I am currently skeptical about kinesins walking on microtubules, the happening of history, and other things. But right and wrong views don’t matter for someone like me. I am going to die and that’s the end of it.


      • I am currently 23, and I plan on dying at age 27. There are still some things I want to do before I die. There are a lot of books I want to read, in order to make sure that committing suicide is a good idea. There’s a chance I will discover some counterarguments to suicide being a good idea, and I want to put as much thought into it as possible. I also want to participate in a few brain imaging studies if possible, so that my fucked up brain can be studied scientifically.

        Also, why are you planning on using pentobarbital as your suicide method of choice?


      • Dude, weren’t you a believer in quantum immortality? Didn’t you say you tried before and it only solidified your belief that it can’t be done? What would trying to kill yourself do??????


  7. Even if am a bot I still want to talk before you die. I was a solipsist growing up and you helped me finish seeing the merits of open individualism.


  8. if you find you cannot die, do you think you will end up returning to practicing the vipassana/metta bliss states? self sufficient bliss on tap seems worth pursuing, especially for an immortal solipsist.

    immunizing the self to negative valence states seems very possible with meditative techniques(for as long as you can avoid brain damage/deterioration, anyway)


  9. Tonight I lost a dear friend that was caught down the same rabbit hole you were in. Please, you might think we are all 1’s and 0’s in some retarded binary code designed by our transhumanist overlords, but that doesn’t make my pain any less real. He killed himself and his mom found him. I only met him a few times in real life but he was one of the kindest and most beautiful souls I’ve ever known. Don’t get so detached that you forget about how your mom would feel if she found out…even if your mom is you. Please don’t do it. I’m every bit the damaged, nihilistic, solipsistic, on-the-spectrum person you are but it’s never the same in the abstract as it is in real life. Just don’t do it. Please email me if you are so inclined and go give your mom a hug because she’s real and she cares about you.


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