The God Hand

I’m sandwiched between the problem of good and the problem of evil. Clearly there is some “design” to this – there is constancy to phenomena and there is abundant mercy (considering the fact that existence could have been eternal hell.) Why isn’t it hell? Why isn’t the totality of conscious experience limited to a slice of stressful qualia on loop? Why do I not suffer from perpetual pain or exist as a diffuse blob of burn and itch? This is the problem of good, or perhaps more conservatively if we don’t want to go so far as to call existence good, then the problem of mercy. There seems to be no reason that a hedonically blind, neutral, purely random existence would take such care with my day to day reality.

But then there’s the problem of evil in its most general form. Even without postulating an omnipotent, omnibenevolent, and omniscient God, there should be an explanation for the unnecessary suffering, malaise, and evidence of bad design all over my conscious experience. I think that the argument from evil which says that God either doesn’t exist or doesn’t have all three of the properties is self-evidently true. No theodicy can be written which can undo my suffering so I don’t see myself changing opinion on the matter any time soon. If animals exist “when I’m not looking,” in other words that they are not simulated entities merely existing inside my conscious experience, then God and humanity are evil, and by evil I mean evil as hell, diabolical. The amount of sheer cruelty that is to be believed cannot be properly understood while remaining sane. Maybe not everyone is troubled by the ambient dukkha of others, but I’ve had at least an instance where I had to wake up in the middle of the night due to feeling tormented by the suffering of the world; I’ve been so dissatisfied with the world that I’ve tried to end it. I’m not so concerned with the problem of evil as it applies to monotheistic religions, I think the problem of evil exists in a polytheistic and a non-theistic context. There has to be an explanation for evil given that there are hints of design and of good, not of sheer chaos or neutral blindness. My partial solution lately arises from an unmistakably clear and strong feeling, the feeling that all the massive suffering I used to believe in is not real. Ever since I started feeling people as simulated and every instance of witnessing or interacting with them as a set-up, it became clear that reality was not what I had been led to believe. It is contrived by the Hand of God, not evolving bottom-up from basic laws. It can be said that the scales fell from my eyes with regards to the advanced technology and highly functioning society that we wield relative to human intelligence and also the myth of history. So humans are way more effective creatures than myself or all of their efficiency is simulated. History as I learned it simply didn’t happen. The past as described in written documents is fiction. I don’t believe there was a prehistory and then the establishment of history with written records that were preserved as time passed and strewn along to create a True Story, available on Wikipedia today. There is no memory and no discovery, just a collection of fictional events organized and presented so as to remove the skeptical interpretation of reality which I endorse. There is a downside to my current view of reality however. There’s something uncanny about the artificial gloss that people now wear as they act out their scenes.

I still don’t understand the real reason why I exist. This is my main concern. But I try to conceive of my situation as being a soul going burning through a big, bad bridge before I die and witness the truth. The God Hand is not fully benevolent as it has caused me suffering and also attempted to deceive me with the false suffering of others. But I must be clear that I’m not certain that their suffering is false; it’s only a hunch. Although this is counter to my psilocybin experience where I was reminded that suffering is real. I wonder what the other psychedelics have to say about this. My previous attempt at DMT failed, but I want to discover what the afterlife is like and hopefully clear up the whole suffering thing. I met with a therapist who gave me the bullshit about a balance. He also said that people overcome their suffering and think that the gift of life is worth it despite all of it. I hate his view of life. Even as powerless marionette that I am I will use my last breath to curse God for having created a single drop of suffering. Life is not a gift but a prison. I dream of breaking these iron bars, of black nights without moon or stars.

Why would anyone with Wisdom
Be content in this place?
This body is a collection of sorrows
All of which are impure.

Before I try to kill myself again, I try to tell myself: Stop panicking.

I am living in a simulation in several senses. In the sense that situations and interactions are contrived or fated; In the sense that there’s a hard to unsee artificial gloss over people. And the glimpses of civilization that I get in my day to day life show something which runs way too smoothly for mere humans, with the main point of reference for what a human is being myself. Humans are either orders of magnitude more effective creatures than me or their success is due to being in a simulation of some kind. I also believe human history is a lie, that suffering is largely a lie, and even that my previously cherished natural selection doesn’t convincingly and adequately account for music, language, synchronicity, functional complexity, and the specificity of entheogen effects, or my consciousness and the apparent simulation as a whole. I remember debating a creationist and how convinced I was that the watchmaker was blind, that it all just happened, it all just came together through an arduous process of evolution of which we were just a byproduct and not central in any fundamental sense. Now I see that there was no accident but a very careful fine tuning of conscious reality. What bothers me now far more than the uncaring abandon of blind natural selection is that it seems to be intentionally imperfect, intentionally bullying me, intentionally tough love or teaching me a lesson or whatever annoying thing it’s doing.

There are also strange events. My parents permanently changed to an unreasonable degree after my hospitalization for “psychosis.” I cannot explain it except by suggesting that my previously held intuitions about what is scientifically accurate or psychologically possible were wrong. I’m also certain that I was communicating with an intelligence through browsing social media and watching YouTube videos. I’m also pretty certain that I experienced a sort of God on psilocybin, what McKenna calls a robotic, cybernetic, disembodied, a sort of girlfriend from hyperspace. The superintelligence moved my hand in new patterns as if showing me, “See what I can do? I am in control.” Eventually, I went to the bathroom and cried. It was both sorrowful longing, and crying out of understanding.

There’s also my experience with the police just recognizing me walking down a mall and working with the hospital to get me to take their drugs and treatment.

I’m in a simulation on many levels, although I’m not sure if I’m technically in a simulation a la Bostrom. I doubt reality and its ultimate narrative are as “physical” as my scientific education led me to believe.

I’m totally open to the idea that I’m suffering from a psychotic delusion, but it seems to me like sex isn’t real. That leaves only romance and spiritual connection as “possibilities.”

I also hate that I’m in a body. I used to really take care of my body. I would go so far as to eat the exact same routine diet every single day for about five years. I would lift weights and run every day. I would even do it while depressed and crying. Yes, I was pretty jacked, just how I wanted to be. But what was the point? Was the sacrifice honestly worth it? I don’t think so. Now I just eat whatever and don’t workout. I would have had trouble approaching and speaking to a girl when I didn’t see the simulation and I had the body of a model. Now that I have an average person’s body and have this feeling of the uncanny when I see people, I wouldn’t dare approach a girl. But the truth is I never had a desire to do so. My main concern is to discover the truth and I view the postulated relationship ideal as a scam, as something meant to distract from my true purpose which probably involves lots of psychedelics. I’ve always been pretty Buddhist about these kinds of things. By that I mean that I view romance as desire and attachment which degrades my capacity to feel wiser emotions such as universal compassion. My fate is to be alone in this life and that makes it easier to kill myself whenever I deem fit... in theory.

I don’t know how to relate to “people” anymore. I don’t believe them and I don’t know what they even are. Talking to no one part 2. I just know that they want to keep me alive, perhaps even punish me, and that they feel alien to me; very much unlike me both in their accomplishments and in their day to day capacities, outlooks and concerns. Money is not something I can just be allowed to make in a free capitalist society the way I thought when I was younger. It is tightly set up to not allow me to make money. This is not an accident. Death is the same. It is not something I can just partake in. There’s a reason it’s so difficult to kill myself.

Sex isn’t real. People’s lives aren’t real. History isn’t real. Current events aren’t real. Only my suffering is real. I long for an end to it. I don’t deserve this God. Please forgive me.

Or perhaps it’s all real, just surreal. I find myself thinking, “Did these people really have sex? Did this baby really just form inside of this person? Do these molecular machines really exist?” Perhaps people do live out their very own particular injustices day in and day out – other independent souls bound to these mortal vehicles in the same way as myself, and it’s just so difficult for me to fathom the inhumanity of it all, of our separateness and of the cruelty of randomness that results from closed individualism.

I wish I was dead like XXXTentacion. He wanted to die and he got what he asked for. We’re the same age. I want to die young.

Is depression an art form? My depressing life a particular vintage taste in the sea of qualia varieties.

Was this life a choice or do the strings of samsara stretch far beyond the abyss of eternity? All I know is that I don’t have free will no matter how I look at it. My actions and thoughts simply arise of their own accord. I cannot account for why I did what I just did. It’s a movie set up to feel like a game.

Besides hating myself deeply I also hate people. It hurts to hate them because I don’t want to hate them. I just know that we are different. There’s an unbridgeable chasm because I am not one of them. I can’t do what they do. I’m just a passing observer. They don’t feel real to me, not fully.

It seems plausible to me that my existence is a punishment. It’s better to think of it as a punishment or bad karma than to believe in evil for the sake of evil. Perhaps the only way to prevent my consciousness from doing something bad that it did in the “past” is by punishing it with this birth. Here humans create beautiful music and beautiful technology but they are also sheer evil because they breed without a qualm and because of what they do to animals.

I am now a polytheist. I believe there are gods or entities that exist and are not entirely from this world. I believe in all the DMT stories and had an interesting experience myself with psilocybin. However I still believe the stories are part of the architecture of the simulation and not entirely the honest reports of people like myself. I believe that people are not like myself.

Returning to the topic of my body, this is a recent comment in one of my stupid videos:

Your body is really sexy. Please come to L.A. so we can play with each other. Every time I see you shirtless I get super excited. I can’t believe your body looks like that. It’s so sexy I’m just frustrated I can’t touch it. Please come to L.A.

I hope that whoever is saying this is a hot girl. But in any case I no longer have that body. It’s weird to receive compliments not directed at me but at a past iteration of myself. I can own it and yet not.

I was way cooler when I was disciplined and got up at 6:00 to run. Now I’m just laid back and ugly.

Luckily no one has to see me. That’s because I am a solipsist. I don’t believe there are conscious experiences behind the others eyes. I am talking to no one but myself. I don’t feel lonely because you are all such convincing simulations.

4 thoughts on “The God Hand

  1. the paradox of the subject surrounded with others while still being with oneself throughout life or the problem with epistemology and the one of trying to communicate with each other come to mind.
    Both of our intentional acts are hard to be found considering our different relations with concepts. Both being clouded except if each subjective history of our own understanding is attached to it, with an overwhelming amount of interconnections, outreaching strings and different foundational cores. But there is still an interpretation and a form of single string attachments made with each other creating some coupling and without it I don’t see any actual truly aware consciousness arising.
    Without coupling nothing really arises on this world space, any conclusion of solipsism needs to be founded on something that is purely a belief, that there is at least something outside of this entire set where something is capable of total self and exterior reflection which we are not as none of our thoughts are created entirely by ourselves, even if it’s not done with humans it will be done with other animals and the only other path is to go back directly into the earth if you are born alone.
    I understand your frustration of no one being behind so many people, most of them only understanding themselves and reality from the circumstances they were born into and when you try to talk to some you just see everything you try to convey going through them before they answer with something completely unrelated to the subject you were trying to explain but putting that on everyone is something I find unreasonable.

    I would had recently related to your stance on suffering. My first serious thought of suicide was at 10 because of repeated child abuse and my second one came from getting a concussion that shifted and moved my sense of reality giving me a feeling of cosmic impossibility leaving me screaming from absolute fear in the stadium as I began to repeat theorems and tautologies in my mind trying to hold onto something which people around saw as pain considering how terribly I had gotten hit during soccer practise but I was experiencing a total meltdown of the image I put fourth representing myself and the reality I found myself in because everything had moved. After that I could relate a lot to what you’re saying here, any routine and ever growing repetition to reach a better goal was gone. This horror experience had forcefully thrusted me from a semi-full but cancerous body without organs to an empty body without organs without any productivity or any real will other than the empty evolutionary will of bodily organs leaving me liable to suicidal thoughts because there was almost nothing anymore other than an addiction to the will of my flesh and that which stimulates it. But there was still moments of previous productivity left which I used to try and escape this state to something more loaded and in use and am still always working towards. Constantly filtering out this false surrounding because I am and so are you.

    As it is now I don’t see suffering as something that’s evil in its entirety, not something that’s worth committing suicide over as it’s not much different from any other hyper emotion, it connects with the output that is identical with the one of divine ecstasy. A decoupling with your sense of self and the body you find yourself in. Abandonment, beauty, interest, mathematics, pain all leads to this sense of being you, away from your surroundings and that which you are inside, your body and reality. Suffering is another possible path for a further understanding of what this is. Don’t really believe anything being useless here anymore.

    Otherwise man I like and care for you, hope you can leave this repeated life denying pessimism that you find yourself in. When I was at a similar place my dreams helped the most, where something I had trouble putting into words to myself was shown to me through an abstract image representation.

    Like

  2. Mental/existential anguish is driving you insane, you’re blindsiding yourself by swinging into extremes of belief.

    >>Existence itself is absolutely incompatible with (true) knowing.<<

    In order to "know" (the term is a misnomer, but read: be 100% certain of something), you -must- understand the substrate of the system of which you "know" something about (otherwise it's not a fact, but an estimate/observation), which is impossible while still being a part of the system.
    And even if you somehow manage to step outside of that system (to where the substrate is visible), you're yet inside another system with a different substrate.

    Our every "law" of physics is just an observation (with an unbroken record of being true).
    Our every understanding is rooted in flawed human perception, which is full of continuously updated symbols built on top of crude meta-networks.

    So you're correct, God is in fact missing 1 of his big 3, and it is omniscience. Because even he must exist within a system (as far as human-enabled rationale reaches).
    Which by definition, i) has an unknowable substrate which supports its, and consequentially, his existence, ii) having unknowable back doors to/from other systems.

    On the topic of ii)
    Let's presume that hell is real, and both Empty Individualism and Eternalism are true (bear with me, I know Eternal Recurrence is painful to imagine) – it's only true for the beings stuck inside the system. Given eternity, both inside, but more importantly outside of the system, some destabilising factor from the outside is bound to change, or destroy the structure (being the universe) eventually.

    Therefore ambivalence, maybe even hope, is actually the rational approach to have with regards to life.

    Lastly, on Godhood, and a possible explanation for why you find yourself here.
    Godhood = Limitless Options + Eternity
    Limitless Options + Eternity = Possibility of Falling From Godhood
    Possibility + Infinity Approaching 0 = 100% chance

    Trust probability but reserve judgement, withhold commitment to action if not in pain, and take fucking B12 for God's sake, you are not alone.

    Like

  3. Mental/existential anguish is driving you insane, you’re blindsiding yourself by swinging into extremes of belief.

    >>Existence itself is absolutely incompatible with (true) knowing<<

    In order to "know" (the term is a misnomer, but read: be 100% certain of something), you -must- understand the substrate of the system of which you "know" something about (otherwise it's not a fact, but an estimate/observation), which is impossible while still being a part of the system.
    And even if you somehow manage to step outside of that system (to where the substrate is visible), you're yet inside another system with a different substrate.

    Our every "law" of physics is just an observation (with an unbroken record of being true).
    Our every understanding is rooted in flawed human perception, which is full of continuously updated symbols built on top of crude meta-networks.

    So you're correct, God is in fact missing 1 of his big 3, and it is omniscience. Because even he must exist within a system (as far as human-enabled rationale reaches).
    Which by definition, i) has an unknowable substrate which supports its, and consequentially, his existence, ii) having unknowable back doors to/from other systems.

    On the topic of ii)
    Let's presume that hell is real, and both Empty Individualism and Eternalism are true (bear with me, I know Eternal Recurrence is painful to imagine) – they're only true for the beings stuck inside the system. Given eternity, both inside, but more importantly outside of the system, some destabilising factor from the outside is bound to change, or destroy the structure (being the universe) eventually.

    Therefore ambivalence, maybe even hope, is actually the rational approach to have with regards to life.

    Lastly, on Godhood, and a possible explanation for why you find yourself here.
    Godhood = Limitless Options + Eternity
    Limitless Options + Eternity = Possibility of Falling From Godhood
    Possibility + Infinity Approaching 0 = 100% chance

    Trust probability but reserve judgement, withhold commitment to action if not in pain, and take fucking B12 for God's sake, you are not alone.

    Like

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