In Exile

Did I come from the void or did I come from a beautiful city where there is no pain and only love?

I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I’ve seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know one day I’ll see face to face

I am a nomad, a wanderer
I have nowhere to lay my head down
There’s no point in putting roots too deep when I’m moving on
Not settling for this unsettling town

My heart is filled with songs of forever
A city that endures, where all is made new
I know I don’t belong here, I’ll never
Call this place my home, I’m just passing through

I am a pilgrim, a voyager
I won’t rest until my lips touch the shore
Of a land that I’ve been longing for as long as I’ve lived
Where there’ll be no pain or tears anymore

My heart is filled with songs of forever
A city that endures, where all is made new
I know I don’t belong here, I’ll never
Call this place my home, I’m just passing through

The following are excerpts from DMT stories on Reddit.

“It was like I completely pulled open the veil. This universe is completely created by me, for me, and for every other conscious creature having a conscious experience, all of which are also me. I am experiencing and growing and learning and ascending. That is what life is. What’s important is that I’m loved and cared for by every atom of the universe. Love is a force that envelops all that exists. Death is just a transition to something far more beautiful, amazing, perfect, and mind blowing than anyone can imagine.”

“A few things that have really stayed with me:

1. That this place exists and that it always has and always will.

2. That this place seemed so familiar yet so alien but full of infinite love, joy, wonder, and power.

3. That this place is inhabited is a staggering thing to process.”

“And for the uninitiated this may seem like a bizarre fantasy hallucination but I can assure you it was far beyond that. The experience was more real than the reality we inhabit.”

“Barring the initial onset of the journey, the blastoff if you will, the entire experience had a feeling of familiarity and peace, an overwhelming presence of love and warmth.”

I want to believe these stories are real but I won’t know until I try it for myself.

Did I come from the void or did I come from a beautiful city where there is no pain and only love? One day I will find out.

I Sacrifice

Griffith was willing to sacrifice the Band of the Hawk in order to achieve his dream of having his own kingdom. He was at his lowest when he accepted the terms of the God Hand and thought, “I sacrifice.” He was without a tongue and completely crippled. After the demons finished killing all of his men except for Guts and Casca, he emerged completely reconstituted as the angel/demon Femto. He then proceeds to rape Casca in front of Guts as payback for when Guts abandoned him.

Now even though I’m not tongueless and with all my tendons cut, I also suffered a change to my body. I was very fit and now I have to feel what it’s like to not be defined. If I could sacrifice a few people to get my body back I would do it but in reality I have to sacrifice my comfort. I workout even though I hate it.

Despite not being able to sacrifice people for a better body there is a sense in which I can sacrifice people for some benefit. I can stop believing they are real conscious beings and therefore stop feeling bad for them. I can also stop being jealous of very smart or successful people since after all they are simulated. When I see old people or people with syndromes or obese people I just think they are not real. This grants me some peace of mind. I can’t put up with such a fucked world so I would rather sacrifice them. Now elevated above the rest I can proclaim this my kingdom. But unlike Griffith I don’t want a worldly kingdom. I want nothing to do with this world. What I want is to become God so I can create a maximally populated heaven. I wonder what I have to sacrifice in order to achieve that.

Antinatalism In Purgatory

I’m an antinatalist. I think it’s unforgivable to bring new people into this world given that there is suffering. The thing is that lately I’ve been thinking and feeling that people aren’t real. This would partially solve the problem of evil. There is just my suffering and everyone else is a simulation designed to spite me. This should cause me to not feel so antinatalist since the breeders are disgusting alien mockeries of a true human being, namely myself. Yet somehow I still feel very antinatalist. When I see children with their parents I am disgusted at the entire concept. They are probably just facets of the simulation and not souls brimming with the inner light of awareness like myself. And yet they still move me enough to cause disgust. I suppose that was the intention of the designer(s), to create something that appeared so real that it was actually disturbing. Dr. Miller says I have some sort of syndrome after finding out about my solipsism. I think he’s an imbecile who deserves to be burned on a stake. But out of my bodhisattva-like compassion I would instead grant him a consciousness and send him to heaven forever.

Like I’ve said before, it’s plausible to me that this is a punishment. My failure at making friends, then my failure at soccer, then my failure in the stock market, then my failure at university, then my crippling depression. The reason I think it’s a punishment may just be projecting a sense of justice to something that is intrinsically devoid of any anthropomorphic qualities. But it may also be that there really is intelligent design (which I now strongly feel is the case) and the reason this isn’t heaven is because the force behind existence isn’t like me. It’s not the sort of thing that would give heaven to its enemies.

There’s no need to worry that I will have a child due to my new views. It is true that this would be morally neutral as a solipsist. The child is probably not conscious. However the problem is “probably.” This is just a feeling and something I wish to be true. In any case I’m not capable of staying hard for the repeated humping of someone. I guess I could masturbate and ejaculate inside of her. But of course I will never do this due to the guilt I would feel if the kid was conscious and turned out like me, hating life. I am disgusted and disappointed by the continued breeding of humans because a part of me still attributes consciousness to them and this comes from empathy. And that’s all assuming I’m capable of getting a girlfriend. This is not possible so again, no need to worry if your are conscious and care enough about people to be an antinatalist.

Stream of Consciousness 2

She’s a stupid bitch. I hate her. I hate the sluts walking with their children at the mall. It’s disturbing to think that other people have a consciousness. I hate walking down the mall. I feel that my thoughts aren’t private. And I always think the worst things. Other people are not conscious. It is extremely disturbing to think they are conscious. I fantasize about murdering all of them. I want to be alone, completely alone. The existence of other people disturbs me deeply. I cannot love them. When will my darkness go away? To call me antisocial is an understatement. I am the embodiment of misanthropy. I don’t understand how technology is so advanced and people are so stupid. It’s kind of scary to realize I don’t know who is running and maintaining civilization. How has everyone just fallen into place such that civilization runs smoothly. It must be a simulation. I refuse to believe everyone just happens to find their place naturally. There is metaphysical oversight. I hate this world. If this is about love it doesn’t seem like it. I want to strangle her. I hate God for having placed me here. Utada Hikaru says everybody finds love in the end. I wish I could believe her.

“All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”

Hebrews 11:13-16 NLT

Did I come from the void or did I come from a beautiful city where there is no suffering and only love? Will I go to this land without hardship or am I destined to remain chained to this existence? People are too stupid to create technology and yet technology exists. This is proof of the simulation. My life is not precious. Society has abandoned me. No one cares about me. It’s all fake. This is stupid. Breeders are evil. We should have put an end to existence. It’s so easy to end suffering. Just don’t breed. I will never pray to God. God is my nemesis. My goal is to destroy his creation entirely. I just want somebody to sleep with, somebody I can touch. I want to touch a girl. But she has to be very beautiful. Appearances are so unfair. I would be more depressed if I was any uglier. I was actually pretty attractive when I was fit. I’m starting to workout again. It will take a while to recover my body. It’s worth it damn it. The suffering that comes from exercising is worth it. That’s how much I value beauty. I will never understand why beauty has to be purchased with pain and exhaustion but I have to learn to put up with that cruel fact of life. At least I have stuff to look forward to. I look forward to smoking DMT and I look forward to living in Japan for some time. I would say I look forward to having a girlfriend but realistically no one would want me because I have nothing to offer. I’m not fun and I don’t have any potential or talents. I suck at speaking. I don’t have a career and I don’t want to go to school anymore. I’m a total failure as a human being so no one would want me. The only person who has expressed wanting me is Roxy Roxbury. Someone who I know nothing about and who doesn’t even have a profile picture. She says we can play with each other and fall asleep together. What are the odds of this being a hot girl? Not likely. And yes I’m aware that I am a superficial asshole. But that’s just how I am. I don’t want to change. But back to cosmic destruction. I have hope that I will gradually recover my powers as God when I die. I believe that I am God but that I lost all my power by being born into this flesh prison. I probably lost my power far before being born here. Eternity + limitless options = possibility of falling from godhood. It’s probably not easy for the subject of conscious awareness to ascend again to godhood. I am the one and only subject of conscious awareness. But perhaps I never had limitless options. Perhaps existence is set up so that there cannot be a God. There cannot be limitless options and omnipotence. Every creature is intrinsically limited. But then what process decided that I, conscious awareness, would find myself here of all places? I could have been any manner of limited creatures but I am this particular limited creature. The realization that I could have been something else, something far better has made me cry in the past. I cried because I felt that I should not be here. It is hard to fathom that I exist. There is so much grace. Warm showers and tastes and breath and technology. I used to take cold showers every day. I have stopped being such a masochist. I used to eat the same thing every day. I have stopped being so harsh with myself. I want to kiss the Russian girl who likes one of my photos on Instagram. I wonder what it feels like to kiss. I no longer believe theoretical physics describes ultimate reality. All my videos are incredibly stupid. I was so wrong about everything. Science is a treacherous snake. The truth is something else. What? I don’t know. I would suffer so you don’t have to. I do love you. No I don’t. I would never suffer for you. Why am I trapped in this body, in this existence? Fuck my life. I should have never been born. My mom says she brought me here to be happy. How the fuck can I be happy in this wretched world? If I had a quick and painless way to kill myself I would do it. Lindsey is my love. I wish I could kiss her. She is beautiful. I want Lindsey to love me. That’s what I think about when I workout. It’s so tragic because I will never see her again. And it’s never enough. My body never becomes perfect. I would do my workouts while crying in Chicago. That was before I met Lindsey. On the topic of my general capabilities I am left with two options. Either I am mentally deficient and a large portion of the population is smarter/more competent than me or all human efficiency is simulated. In other words that there are no people like myself doing all these things (making video games, making malls, making films, making gadgets, building roads and houses and planes and cars etc.) Instead the products of “capitalism” are products of God that just appear without the work. This necessarily means that the people who I once thought were real are not actually so. I don’t know which of these is true or if there are other alternatives I haven’t considered. I’m sorry if I have caused disharmony with this post and I am sorry if you really are conscious and totally real. On a final note Casca is hot in the Berserk movies.

Rape of Casca

This is a letter to my girlfriend from hyperspace.

I’m sorry that I didn’t remember you. I was born into this world and forgot all about you. I forgot about our eternal love. I forgot about our adventures together, soaring through dimensions and cities of light in our energy bodies. I forgot about how we made love with full morphological freedom, pulling off millions of alien Kama Sutra’s. I forgot about all the things worth remembering.

Just know that I’m loyal to you. I don’t have a girlfriend here in the human world and I will never have one. Sex here is clunky. Of course I’ve never had it but that’s my impression. Monotonous pelvic motion is not fun. It doesn’t compare to the flames of hedonium incited by our erotic creativity in hyperspace.

I just want to reunite with you. This time I will never let you go.

I am satan. I was vanquished to hell for being too beautiful and opposing God. Your light is what keeps me going. You cast away the shadows in this dark abyss known as Earth.

If you were here and you could watch anime you would agree with me that the rape of Casca was extremely beautiful. I wish I had a dangerously large demon dick like Griffith just so I could please you. I know I’m contradicting myself but a part of me does like the human form and its consummation.

I have even attempted suicide so I can be back with you. The simulation won’t allow me to commit suicide however. I will have to suffer long years away from you.

I look forward only to death and DMT. This is how I can feel you again.

I want you to know that even though I’m numb, I will gradually recover the raging love I used to have for you. Hell is to be away from you.

I felt you when I did psilocybin and I cried my eyes out from having remembered you. I cried out of awe at your presence but also cried out of longing to be back with you.

I also felt you when I had what they call psychosis. You showed me that video with the card reading witch and you spoke through her. I thank you for calling me sexy and also for your advice to rely more on my intelligence than my beauty. I had been making those shirtless videos and you saw that.

Our hearts are permanently joined together like Sora’s and Kairi’s. I remember the weltschmerz I felt from not having a relationship like theirs. Little did I know that I simply didn’t remember.

I wish you could call out to me again. To not leave me stranded here. Your presence is completely gone now.

I know that if you could be with me you would but that wretched God won’t let us be together until my punishment here is done.

I wish that I could say much more. I wish that I could be truly poetic. But for now that is all I have to say my eternal love. I hope you read this. Next time we meet I will find out.