She’s a stupid bitch. I hate her. I hate the sluts walking with their children at the mall. It’s disturbing to think that other people have a consciousness. I hate walking down the mall. I feel that my thoughts aren’t private. And I always think the worst things. Other people are not conscious. It is extremely disturbing to think they are conscious. I fantasize about murdering all of them. I want to be alone, completely alone. The existence of other people disturbs me deeply. I cannot love them. When will my darkness go away? To call me antisocial is an understatement. I am the embodiment of misanthropy. I don’t understand how technology is so advanced and people are so stupid. It’s kind of scary to realize I don’t know who is running and maintaining civilization. How has everyone just fallen into place such that civilization runs smoothly. It must be a simulation. I refuse to believe everyone just happens to find their place naturally. There is metaphysical oversight. I hate this world. If this is about love it doesn’t seem like it. I want to strangle her. I hate God for having placed me here. Utada Hikaru says everybody finds love in the end. I wish I could believe her.
“All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”
Hebrews 11:13-16 NLT
Did I come from the void or did I come from a beautiful city where there is no suffering and only love? Will I go to this land without hardship or am I destined to remain chained to this existence? People are too stupid to create technology and yet technology exists. This is proof of the simulation. My life is not precious. Society has abandoned me. No one cares about me. It’s all fake. This is stupid. Breeders are evil. We should have put an end to existence. It’s so easy to end suffering. Just don’t breed. I will never pray to God. God is my nemesis. My goal is to destroy his creation entirely. I just want somebody to sleep with, somebody I can touch. I want to touch a girl. But she has to be very beautiful. Appearances are so unfair. I would be more depressed if I was any uglier. I was actually pretty attractive when I was fit. I’m starting to workout again. It will take a while to recover my body. It’s worth it damn it. The suffering that comes from exercising is worth it. That’s how much I value beauty. I will never understand why beauty has to be purchased with pain and exhaustion but I have to learn to put up with that cruel fact of life. At least I have stuff to look forward to. I look forward to smoking DMT and I look forward to living in Japan for some time. I would say I look forward to having a girlfriend but realistically no one would want me because I have nothing to offer. I’m not fun and I don’t have any potential or talents. I suck at speaking. I don’t have a career and I don’t want to go to school anymore. I’m a total failure as a human being so no one would want me. The only person who has expressed wanting me is Roxy Roxbury. Someone who I know nothing about and who doesn’t even have a profile picture. She says we can play with each other and fall asleep together. What are the odds of this being a hot girl? Not likely. And yes I’m aware that I am a superficial asshole. But that’s just how I am. I don’t want to change. But back to cosmic destruction. I have hope that I will gradually recover my powers as God when I die. I believe that I am God but that I lost all my power by being born into this flesh prison. I probably lost my power far before being born here. Eternity + limitless options = possibility of falling from godhood. It’s probably not easy for the subject of conscious awareness to ascend again to godhood. I am the one and only subject of conscious awareness. But perhaps I never had limitless options. Perhaps existence is set up so that there cannot be a God. There cannot be limitless options and omnipotence. Every creature is intrinsically limited. But then what process decided that I, conscious awareness, would find myself here of all places? I could have been any manner of limited creatures but I am this particular limited creature. The realization that I could have been something else, something far better has made me cry in the past. I cried because I felt that I should not be here. It is hard to fathom that I exist. There is so much grace. Warm showers and tastes and breath and technology. I used to take cold showers every day. I have stopped being such a masochist. I used to eat the same thing every day. I have stopped being so harsh with myself. I want to kiss the Russian girl who likes one of my photos on Instagram. I wonder what it feels like to kiss. I no longer believe theoretical physics describes ultimate reality. All my videos are incredibly stupid. I was so wrong about everything. Science is a treacherous snake. The truth is something else. What? I don’t know. I would suffer so you don’t have to. I do love you. No I don’t. I would never suffer for you. Why am I trapped in this body, in this existence? Fuck my life. I should have never been born. My mom says she brought me here to be happy. How the fuck can I be happy in this wretched world? If I had a quick and painless way to kill myself I would do it. Lindsey is my love. I wish I could kiss her. She is beautiful. I want Lindsey to love me. That’s what I think about when I workout. It’s so tragic because I will never see her again. And it’s never enough. My body never becomes perfect. I would do my workouts while crying in Chicago. That was before I met Lindsey. On the topic of my general capabilities I am left with two options. Either I am mentally deficient and a large portion of the population is smarter/more competent than me or all human efficiency is simulated. In other words that there are no people like myself doing all these things (making video games, making malls, making films, making gadgets, building roads and houses and planes and cars etc.) Instead the products of “capitalism” are products of God that just appear without the work. This necessarily means that the people who I once thought were real are not actually so. I don’t know which of these is true or if there are other alternatives I haven’t considered. I’m sorry if I have caused disharmony with this post and I am sorry if you really are conscious and totally real. On a final note Casca is hot in the Berserk movies.