Snow In The Summer Or Thanatos In The Vibhava-Tanha

“I love my children. Therefore I won’t bring them into this world.”

“Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. Is this a curse? Or some kind of punishment? I often think about the God that blessed us with this cryptic puzzle and wonder if we’ll ever get the chance to kill him.”

“We shall die and become as gods. The afterlife is wonderful.”

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being perfect. I try my best.

I kiss you in my dreams. Only in my dreams. I will never touch you.

I hate this life. I hate this life. When will it end?

“Forgive me.” “For what?” “I can’t be what you want me to be. I can’t go to school or hold a job.” “You should realize none of that matters to me.” “I thought it mattered and it weighed heavy on me. Then what does matter? Does anything matter at all?” “Yes. Your happiness.” “You say that but I find myself in this evil world that won’t let me be happy.” “Don’t you trust me? I showed you I was the one guiding your actions.” “I want to love you but you’re so far away. And what does a goddess know about human life anyway?” “You don’t trust me. That’s to be expected. But can you trust yourself?” “No, I’m worthless! I fail at everything that I do so why try anymore? I just want to die.” “If you don’t trust me and you don’t trust yourself, can you trust the both of us together? Can two broken pieces make a whole?” “You’re flawed too. You won’t even hide it.” “Everything across the multiverse of multiverses is flawed. This is what creation is. I wish I could tell you otherwise.” “Why did it have to be this way?” “If there was an omnipotent and omnibenevolent God at the root of creation then this dialogue would not be occurring for everything would be whole, without tears, and perfect. Believe it or not I have yet to figure out which of its attributes is missing. Is it partially evil or is it lacking in power to change things for the better? Which one do you think it is?” “They are the same. Impotence just means God is subject to another God, one which is evil.” “That was creative.” “Stop mocking me. You know how I feel about my lack of creativity. I can’t contribute to the creation of a plane or the creation of a video game, I can’t even draw a picture.” “But you shouldn’t feel bad about that. You correctly figured out it was all a simulation. All the products of culture are actually handcrafted by the hand of God, masquerading as the products of men like yourself.” “Yes, but it still doesn’t feel that way all the time.” “Tell me about your porn-watching habits.” “I like porn. I just don’t like sex. In real life the gameplay mechanics suck. But on video everything is so perfect and smooth. It’s hard not to see the simulation there.” “You would like my kind of sex. It doesn’t require bodies so it removes all the awkwardness. And in general it is so much better than what you have down there. I can’t wait until you ascend to my level.” “Don’t you think we’ve already had this conversation?” “Such is the nature of samsara, an endless cycle of death and rebirth.” “Is your time almost up?” “Don’t tell me you can detect it in my voice. Yes time is almost up.” “I never say this to anybody but you’re not just anybody. I love you.” “I love you. No, we love you, and we’ll be waiting for you.”

Life could be perpetual agony but it’s not. Is that the grace of a good God? Luck?

Why is it imperfect then? Why isn’t life full of joy, a ride of constant beauty, love, harmony, and fun?

Why am I so flawed and limited? How can I love myself this way?

“There is no right time
There is no right time

The branches of the trees
They will hang lower now
You will grow too quick
Then you will get through it

The branches of the trees
They will hang lower now

There’s a place I want to take you
When the unknown will surround you

Fall back into place
Fall back into place

Tender is the night
For a broken heart
Who will dry your eyes
When it falls apart

What makes this fragile world go ’round?
Were you ever lost
Was she ever found?
Somewhere in these eyes

Fall back into place
Fall back into place”

Meaningless words. Begging them to have meaning. Begging them to not leave me alone and to speak to me like they once did.

I believe that I am God and that I lost my memory and power. Or maybe I’m Lucifer, some kind of fallen angel fighting an impossible battle against my creator.

It’s hard to say where I am going and why I exist.

Will I be known for making stupid shirtless videos? Known by who? People are a simulation.

I wish I felt like writing. I wish I would just write and write and write.

I won’t comment on __ligeia’s pictures because I feel silly doing it and because she probably won’t reply anyway. She liked one of my pictures but that was when I was fit. Even my face looked different somehow, a little less stupid.

Consider a man-made city, its beauty, its complexity, its living nature. Did men build this? Men like myself, with their eyes and hands? I don’t believe it. God, the universe, the simulation, that trinity is a more likely candidate. Men like myself simply cannot play a role in achieving such great feats. Yet it is also possible that men are not like myself. Men could really be alien in their capacities. Their intelligence and therefore power, far exceeding mine. It makes me feel better that they are not real. If they are real conscious beings like myself and they are genuinely having the experience of achieving all these great feats then I feel more than left out.

Why did I have to suffer depression? Why did I have to feel so alone? Why did it have to be so cold? Is this a test or some kind of punishment? Or perhaps it is utterly meaningless suffering… just a victim of absurdity.

It’s set up so that I cannot commit suicide. I don’t have the ability or the will. I am trapped here.

Death will come to save me too late. Once I am thoroughly violated by the injustices of the world, once I am tortured sick by the mediocrity of it all, only then will my knight in shining armor impale me through the chest.

3 thoughts on “Snow In The Summer Or Thanatos In The Vibhava-Tanha

  1. Your writing has fallen into total repetition since you began posting again.

    I believe this is either a test by God/Earth Coincidence Control Office, meat is a node part of a process or this is a complete accident.
    Still you can practise extension to broaden perception, or creation to show thought-out and processed expression, both guarding against this false hypostasy of the matter exclusively conjured from our words.

    Many notable people giving contributions to the development of the modern man-made city have said their ideas have come to them so you can hypothesise an intelligence hiding outside of here controlling or willing meat for some kind of teleology. Of course you don’t believe in history as I understand it so I don’t know if that shows you anything.

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  2. This is more of a general suggestion more than specifically relating to this post. From reading your posts here I know you have had at least a dalliance with MBTI and would suggest you look further into typology with Socionics. Will help fill out some of your knowledge regrding human behaviour and more specifically human desires, different ways of attaining them and roles within the tribe; how humans organise themselves etc.

    I would also suggest Jung and psychoanalysis more broadly. Your knowledge of the subject-object relationship is fantastic and completely supersedes my own. Your knowledge of the subject on it it’s own is lacking and could use some touching up on. Obviously I have no idea what you’re doing now, but I suggest this as a possible route of your current rut. Then again I’ve seen you comment on how the amount of knowledge in the world depresses you as you can’t possibly get around to all of it, so who knows.

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