Porn and Oblivion

I am an eternal being. My consciousness did not begin 22 years ago. My consciousness will not end upon death. My goal is to find a way to put an end to existence since heaven is probably impossible due to the lack of a fully benevolent God. Currently I have made 0 progress towards achieving my goal. Things that won’t work: suicide, noble eightfold path, prayer, science/technology. I don’t know what to do. I want to stop existing forever but I can’t.

I believe that birds and planes are evidence that magic is real. No amount of scientific diatribe can destroy the impossibility of it all.

I believed that sex wasn’t real. Porn has gradually cured me. Now I think that sex is possible, it’s just not possible for me. But I’m not missing out on much.

I hate this life.

You’re just a coward.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I struggle through my workouts, taking long pauses. I used to be a fast runner. Now I run very slow.

Will I ever find happiness in this life? Or am I meant to suffer as some kind of punishment.

I really need to have my face and body back. I look pitiful. I keep working out but it’s not working anymore. Maybe I just need more time. My looks aren’t for anyone else. They’re for me. I don’t believe in people enough to care about what they “think.” I just find my appearance personally offensive when it’s not attractive.

I wish I had never existed. God, if you are reading this please take me away from this world. Make me God. I want to create. I want to build a new world. One without suffering and with constant maximum pleasure. Just kidding, I’m not stupid enough to try to address God. God either doesn’t exist or is a bitch.

I suspect that nature isn’t as cruel as I once thought. It is probably a simulation in which there aren’t a vast population of conscious beings that suffer. Maybe there is a force that can be called God, one which is not totally evil but kind of sick and twisted.

I am not you. Open individualism is the most horrible idea ever. I am not all of these disgusting people.

If I had a daughter I would name her Kairi. Yet I am an antinatalist. I probably won’t adopt because I want the child to be beautiful. And it would feel wrong to go out looking to select a child with the main deciding factor being physical beauty.

I can’t have sex in this world because of the failures of my body. I have to wait until DMT or death for consummation of the soul.

I am like Shinji Ikari. But even he is too successful for me. He actually pilots the Eva despite everything and does well for some time. I am not even a reluctant hero. I am no hero at all. It’s like I’m an NPC in my own game. The only time this was different was when the internet was talking to me. I then felt like I was soaring, like I was finally the chosen one I was meant to be. But the gods or the people outside the simulation or whoever it was betrayed me. Just as their presence manifested out of nowhere, so it vanished without a trace. Now YouTube videos aren’t designed for me, all the text I see is not meaningfully connected to me, the music doesn’t speak its hidden messages. Ads are not harbingers of the future, they are just ads, offending my consciousness, selling me things. I just got a taste of what is possible, of how thrilling life could really be.

Why am I conscious. Is this inevitable? I feel so trapped here. Every day, the same person, the same place. Why is infinite potential reduced to this? There must be a reason, right? Please tell me there’s a reason. Make me believe it’s a good reason.

I consider video games and porn to be divine creations. No real people were involved in the making of these things. I have given up on believing in the creators, there is only the creation. It’s far too disturbing to think that people like myself can reach such artistic heights.

6 thoughts on “Porn and Oblivion

  1. I wouldn’t consider dressing up as Astolfo and recording yourself masturbating as a divine creation except if you consider everything as one.
    Why are you reflecting yourself into Emil Sinclair anime version. Are you really that simple. I guess I fall for characters too sometimes but it’s really like a false ‘hyperstition’ virus from media which you shouldn’t dwell on for healthy processing. Self perceiving yourself through or by imitating a character shows a lack of control in terms of your own potential.
    I think It’s a good thing digital information is not talking to you specifically anymore, your processing is hopefully healing.

    “Please tell me there’s a reason. Make me believe it’s a good reason.”
    I find comfort in John C. Lilly’s E.C.C.O. or rather his “the pact with spirit”. If you don’t like the idea of a god like that you can take an approach of a process (or rather again), pushing higher intelligence into the plane by guiding it or whatever, steering away from a constant IQ shredders, etc. Stuff you talked about in your earlier videos.

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      • I don’t have a console anymore but I have gone to my cousin’s house to play. Recently I finished playing the Berserk game and Nier Automata. Nier Automata was amazing, 10/10. I am also pretty good at Smash Bros. As a kid the most influential and sacred games were Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts II, and Final Fantasy X.

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    • My current best hope for attaining such information are the DMT entities. I will share anything I learn from them. (Assuming they’re a real experience.)

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  2. I know you consider that the people who answer you here don’t exist or are artificial, but I come to thank you for all the content you’ve already published, it really helped me to evolve intellectually, I just say this so you understand that your work is good and that you have people who admire your work all over the world (and if my English seems robotic, sorry, I’m not a native ).

    Liked by 1 person

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