Down And Lonely, Oh For The Fortunate Only

“But it has not been preordained by the laws of causality.”

“I don’t care. I will destroy the multiverse.”

“But really why do you harbor so much hate?”

“I always disliked injustices and suffering, and this world has plenty of both. But the thing that stands out the most about my life is how mediocre and boring it was. Now that I’m going to be the one to destroy the universe things are finally picking up. I will die at my most exciting moment.”

I’ve been reading the Berserk manga and it’s really good – plenty of sex and violence as well as a great story and great characters. As I read it I realize that it is created by God. It is not created by Miura. All that cinematography can’t possibly be sitting in a person’s head. All that drawing can’t possibly be achieved by mere humans. The iPhone through which I read it is also created by God. All the people I’ve ever met including myself are too stupid to achieve such things. Isn’t it obvious? Isn’t it so obvious this is a simulation? Of course it’s not obvious to you because you are the simulation. You are not the chosen one. And I don’t say that triumphantly. I’m disheartened by the artificiality of it all and how powerless I am to change anything. I am the worst hero. It pains me to go into how uneventful my life is. I was chosen to explore the boring and dreadful regions of possibility-space.

Masturbation is no longer as anhedonic as it used to. The pleasure has recovered a bit, mostly a quick jolt in the testicles but it is still nowhere near where it used to be when I was younger. I don’t understand why that pleasure has to fade but I’m thankful it is not at valence=0 as it was at one point.

I’ve been working out every day for about 2 months but I’m still not at a point where I can appear shirtless on a video. My abs are nowhere to be seen and I’m still not as defined as I used to be although my chest and biceps are recovering muscle. I look at beautiful young men on Instagram and think, “Damn it I wish I looked like that, lol.”

The thing I wish for the most not including my top concerns, truth and liberation, is not money like when I was sixteen. It is honestly a really hot girlfriend. Perhaps I should again wish for money so I can attain money and then attain a really hot girlfriend. But I don’t feel like trying, so no girlfriend in the foreseeable future it is.

I know it’s not my fault but I feel like saying, “Sorry for how much I suck at life.” I can’t be a properly good blogger like Eliezer Yudkowsky or something. I can’t speak like Sam Harris or Terence McKenna. I can’t even paint a pretty picture and put it on here. I can’t compose a song. I fundamentally lack the power to create. This is why I feel worse than a cripple. This crisis has been partially responsible for leading me to the point that I don’t even believe these people are real. I believe that God/the simulation is creating all the music, all the media, everything. And that’s the reason humans appear so overpowered but in person they appear terribly flawed or borderline retarded. The actuators are just a charade. That is my hypothesis.

All I can be certain of is that I am a real actor having real experiences. And that I am severely handicapped or equivalently, that my opponents are overpowered. The fact that I was in honors and advanced placement classes in school means nothing since most of my competition were idiots and nothing “real” was being achieved anyway. I was just getting good test scores and turning in meaningless work. When I was living in the hospital for psychosis on January 2019, I was reading a book “by Michio Kaku” about the future of humanity. As I was reading I felt like the pages were revealing certain messages that weren’t equal to the text at face-value. A message I got was that, “school was designed to constrain your power.” Bobby had asked me if I was actually reading and if I was then what was the book telling me? I said what the book was telling me and as I did, Juan punched a table as if he had recalled what had been done to us. Now it’s possible that a lot of the interactions there were designed to trick me since Juan also said I had healed his arm just by holding it. But even if my powers weren’t being constrained, the tyranny of school still really sticks with me. XXXTENTACION lamented his rebirth into this world, saying, “… born again into this world of slavery.” There is just something quite evil about being brainwashed with history and science that has nothing to do with my real story as an eternal being. A nomad taking birth across unremembered dimensions and planes of existence. Brainwashed into thinking he is a human, brainwashed into thinking that humans like himself are the mighty ones creating science and technology and the excessive products that exist, brainwashed into believing in so much suffering.

I hate this world and I cannot change it. I also cannot kill myself. I guess hatred is my fate and destiny. I would probably be the bad guy in a story since I want to destroy the world. My excuse is that I’m doing it for good reason (negative utilitarianism). But even if all or most of the suffering is a lie, I would still destroy it for vengeance.

My next step is a consultation with the DMT entities to see if they have any idea about how to destroy my existence permanently. It will take several months or perhaps even years for this opportunity to present itself however.

33 thoughts on “Down And Lonely, Oh For The Fortunate Only

  1. Do get any significant dreams? Like a reoccurring character, symbolism, a different world with different rules, etc.

    Can’t really comment much on drugs but aren’t DMT entities supposed to be pretty merciless in their teachings and avoid these kind of questions and requests.

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    • I dream every night but I mostly cannot remember my dreams. I just have the feeling that they are good dreams and that I wish I could return to dreaming.

      I don’t know anything about the DMT entities except for what I’ve read on the DMT subreddit. It is also my impression that they take you where they want and not necessarily where you want. But in any case, it is my best shot at acquiring the information I need. Humans are useless in this regard. You all don’t know anything or act like you don’t; it doesn’t make a difference. The Buddhist scriptures aren’t very clear on how to attain nirvana and there is no reason to think some meditation will cause you to forever relinquish your bondage to the world. And the religions that speak about a heaven don’t seem trustworthy to me. Life currently gives me no reason to believe that eternal paradise awaits. Something better than this life? Yes, possibly, based on the DMT stories I’ve read. But outright ecstatic heaven sounds too good to be true. I have learned to not expect much from reality.

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      • asking since when my mind was as disorganised my dreams helped in a way as I was shown thoughts stored in imagery and movement which I was having trouble expressing with language.
        You can remember them by recalling them with detail the moment you wake up.

        More importantly in reforming my mind for an ability of non clashing processing after my concussion which completely distorted any previously perceived false grasp on “this” and “I” was reading though philosophy as I had only really been interested in physics prior. Frege helping with forming another start by just thinking about foundational mathematics again. Bataille then dragging me away from constantly moving monster elements found in your mind and anything contemporary which never got me anywhere other than in a direction of gradual decline and distortion of anything.
        Before I started reading I just felt depressed and constant transparency after my sport injury and didn’t do anything other than music, lost many of my favourite songs though since some were only stored and composed on an old mac g5 in a palace of culture which I didn’t bother to upload anywhere which sucks as it was replaced. Nothing was ever really completely finished or refined though. https://soundcloud.com/akaholden

        What is it you consider paradise? Beauty, creation, non-simulacrums and no suffering?

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      • That music is pretty good. I don’t believe people like me created it. I believe I am listening to God.

        What I consider paradise is infinite love, infinite positive valence, infinite beauty and no suffering, no boredom, nothing negative or neutral.

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      • Dipropyltryptamine is supposedly even more powerful than DMT. The Temple of the True Inner Light uses it as their Eucharist.

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      • But it is also darker and more bizarre. I would try it if it was offered to me but I wouldn’t seek it out the way I seek out N,N-DMT and 5-MeO-DMT.

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    • I’ve heard that Calea zacatechichi can be used for dream potentiation and inducing lucid dreams. I’ve never tried it personally though.

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  2. Try prostate stimulation!

    > Masturbation is no longer as anhedonic as it used to. The pleasure has recovered a bit, mostly a
    > quick jolt in the testicles but it is still nowhere near where it used to be when I was younger. I don’t
    > understand why that pleasure has to fade but I’m thankful it is not at valence=0 as it was at one point.

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  3. This might be a strange question, but are you circumcised? If so, the reason why you have so little sexual pleasure is probably due to your lack of foreskin.

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    • Not completely. That’s horrible. I really wish you are not conscious and just messing with me. God/nature is too fucking evil if this is true. Maybe you can try psychedelics or marijuana. I take antidepressants and lithium but I’m not sure if they’re working. I don’t feel any effect from them. ECT is supposedly very effective for depression but in my case it just caused extreme suffering.

      If I was God I would grant you infinite pleasure regardless of who you are or what you have done in your life.

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      • Marijuana made me feel absolutely horrible every time I’d taken it. It had interesting psychedelic effects for me even at low doses that caused me to experience states of reality I’d never have thought to be possible. It was still overshadowed by the incredible physical discomfort and agitation and amplification of my despair and neuroticism. I have one particular memory when I smoked some on a car ride to a wild life sanctuary, and once it kicked in I just kind of walked a bit into the foliage and let myself collapse and lie on the ground and was just thinking about the intense negative feelings I was feeling and thought something like, “This is truth. This particular moment I’m experiencing is one that’s obviously possible to experience within the universe which means that it is necessarily meant to be possible and is an intrinsic aspect of the deeper meaning of the universe. A facet of God. How fucking bizarre that every god awful or mundane or trivial detail, every tree or dog, democrats or Republicans, the different races, stupid youtube videos or every dumb thought in my head and all are necessarily a reflection of some grand truth about the world.” Or something like that if it makes any sense. I’ll try to address the rest of your reply when I have time.

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      • Lithium can interact negatively with psychedelics and can cause seizures and psychosis, at least according to Psychonaut Wiki. You should probably stop taking lithium whenever you finally get to do DMT. I take St. John’s wort for depression, and it seems somewhat effective. My life is still highly anhedonic, but I experience less suffering compared to when I wasn’t taking it.

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  4. you should get into stocks, but don’t focus on technical analysis. It’s all BS. All I’ve done is listen to 4chan’s advice on /biz/ and the stock market general threads and I’ve turned 10k into ~100k already. I bought in into SAVA and bought a bunch of chainlink and they went up like crazy. Idk why but 4chan is almost always right. I swear everyone on there has like 150iq

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    • Maybe you’re not aware but I got into stocks, binary options, and futures when I was sixteen. In the end it didn’t go too well. Although I still hold an investment that I hope will make me some money.

      And I don’t understand your strategy. Presumably there’s not a monolithic opinion on 4chan so how do you know if the bears or the bulls are right? Also the quality of 4chan people strikes me as pretty low, contrary to your 150 IQ estimate.

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