“Unreal sex of those angels that never got into heaven!”
“I am speaking seriously and sadly; this matter is not a joyful one, because dream joys are sad and contradictory and, for that reason, pleasurable in a particularly mysterious way.”
“Twilight of Vague Flesh”
“To love is merely to grow tired of being alone: it is therefore cowardly and a betrayal of ourselves. (It is vitally important that we should not love.)”
“Don’t get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you’ll understand
What I meant when I said no
I don’t think life is quite that simple”
This is how I feel about my inability to create Nights Before the Singularity:
“You, who hear me and barely listen, you don’t understand what a tragedy this is! To lose father and mother, to achieve neither glory nor happiness, to have neither a friend nor a lover — all those things are bearable. What cannot be borne is to dream a thing of beauty, but lack the skill to endow it with actions or words.”
“What was it then that in my wretched folly I loved in you, O theft of mine, deed wrought in that dark night when I was sixteen?”
The following is the greatest art I have created, for it was created out of true suffering. These are the pages of a journal and other work I did while locked up in a psychiatric hospital in February 2019 for “acute psychosis.”
The inside of the mask was meant to represent my true inner state. I painted tears of fire and blood swirling people into a pit of despair. But up above in the mind there is a savior pointing to the moon, a symbol of enlightenment in Buddhism. When I finished painting this and explaining it I felt the goddess say something concerned like “You’ve been in this world too long,” and “Now I know you’re the one.”
The outside of the mask is meant to represent what people see me as. I left it blank because I thought people saw me as nobody, someone who doesn’t care and doesn’t matter.
Lindsey was a beautiful, smart, tan-skinned, green eyed, fit girl who wore a nose ring and had a sexy voice. She was in my Calculus II class of Summer 2018. I never said a single word to her and would even try to avoid looking at her. I became highly obsessed with her after the semester was over, knowing she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever encountered but would never see again.