Apotheosis Gilded In Vague Chrysanthemums

“Unreal sex of those angels that never got into heaven!”

“I am speaking seriously and sadly; this matter is not a joyful one, because dream joys are sad and contradictory and, for that reason, pleasurable in a particularly mysterious way.”

“Halo-thin Flame”

“Twilight of Vague Flesh”

“To love is merely to grow tired of being alone: it is therefore cowardly and a betrayal of ourselves. (It is vitally important that we should not love.)”

“Don’t get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you’ll understand
What I meant when I said no
I don’t think life is quite that simple”

This is how I feel about my inability to create Nights Before the Singularity:

“You, who hear me and barely listen, you don’t understand what a tragedy this is! To lose father and mother, to achieve neither glory nor happiness, to have neither a friend nor a lover β€” all those things are bearable. What cannot be borne is to dream a thing of beauty, but lack the skill to endow it with actions or words.”

“What was it then that in my wretched folly I loved in you, O theft of mine, deed wrought in that dark night when I was sixteen?”

The following is the greatest art I have created, for it was created out of true suffering. These are the pages of a journal and other work I did while locked up in a psychiatric hospital in February 2019 for “acute psychosis.”

The inside of the mask was meant to represent my true inner state. I painted tears of fire and blood swirling people into a pit of despair. But up above in the mind there is a savior pointing to the moon, a symbol of enlightenment in Buddhism. When I finished painting this and explaining it I felt the goddess say something concerned like “You’ve been in this world too long,” and “Now I know you’re the one.”

The outside of the mask is meant to represent what people see me as. I left it blank because I thought people saw me as nobody, someone who doesn’t care and doesn’t matter.

πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯

Lindsey was a beautiful, smart, tan-skinned, green eyed, fit girl who wore a nose ring and had a sexy voice. She was in my Calculus II class of Summer 2018. I never said a single word to her and would even try to avoid looking at her. I became highly obsessed with her after the semester was over, knowing she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever encountered but would never see again.

7 thoughts on “Apotheosis Gilded In Vague Chrysanthemums

  1. psychosis is just your emotions attacking you. when you see something beautiful and daydream a bit. its just your emotions attacking you. if you develop psychosis its just an entropy dump on you and you get ostracized. i’m pretty sure this can be cured by being more in touch with your emotions.

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    • psychosis is just your emotions attacking you. when you see something beautiful and daydream a bit. you are having a temporary benign form of psychosis. if you develop psychosis its just an entropy dump on you and you get ostracized. i’m pretty sure this can be cured by being more in touch with your emotions

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    • I know the universe wants me to make videos now. Even a fortune cookie said, β€œDon’t spend your time stringing and tuning your instrument. Start making music now!” However I refuse to cooperate with the universe because it made me ugly. Now you have to wait until I recover my appearance, which might be never. But now that I think about it I guess I can make a video without me in it.

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  2. It’s sad you missed the opportunity with Lindsey. Anyway you can still get in contact with her? I had the same thing happen to me in highschool, I had a girl who I really liked (loved) for 4 years and I never even talked to her once. I regret it so much

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