I woke up kind of down today. I looked down from the balcony and there was a father with his two young daughters feeding the water fowl. I couldn’t help but feel the presence of a tremendous evil in him. What could he be thinking when he decided to bring them to this world? Then I felt the reminder that they are not like me. They are actors in an elaborate movie and I am the real spectator sitting outside the movie in the theater.
When I came out of eating at the buffet there was a guy with a shirt that said “If it’s not free it’s not worth it.” I’m not exactly sure what that meant to convey to me if anything.
It really fucks with me when people are walking with little kids. It doesn’t make sense. Why would they do this?
A Dominican girl told my mom she wants to meet me after having seen me walking with her. She is described as 27, small, skinny, and pretty. I will not meet with her because my mom is known to have bad taste and what she calls pretty may not be pretty to me. I don’t want to gamble with that sort of thing. And the other reason is because I wouldn’t know what to say because I am reticent in person.
After my workout I had a haircut. It was depressing on two fronts. One was my appearance in front of the mirror. I’m not satisfied with how my face looks. The consolation I had was that perhaps somewhere down the line after death(s) I will unlock the ability to choose my own appearance. The second and most depressing thing was that the woman cutting my hair was a natalist who had a daughter. My mom told her I didn’t want kids because I thought they would suffer. She laughed and said, “like you’ve suffered a lot.” I didn’t say anything. Maybe I haven’t suffered a lot but I’ve suffered enough to know I wouldn’t want to inflict any of it on another person. She said that maybe I’d change my ideology when I fell in love. I just stayed quiet and felt very depressed.
Seeing parents with their kids still affected me way more than it should. The universe sent stroller after stroller to piss me off. I think it’s trying to get me to learn a lesson. The lesson is that people don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if they breed. They can breed all they want. They are all my slaves. They are created to provide me with products and services. I was engaging with this thing all wrong – digging myself into a ditch of empathy. I’m not supposed to feel empathy. I’m supposed to sit back and enjoy the ride provided by this super organism of servants. That’s it. That’s got to be it. I laugh a little in relief.