Today is the last day here. I woke up feeling like shit, and I skipped breakfast. The experience here in Punta Cana was simultaneously super impressive and super disappointing. It was super impressive because I still have a hard time fathoming the deep intelligence that runs through everything so that it all works. It was super disappointing because it was all for nothing – I was not happy.
The comments from people on this site that I read today are a bit amusing but do nothing to shake my faith in solipsism. I think it’s just me and God. They are God but they are not conscious. The alternatives to solipsism are just too horrible. The idea that God would allow all kinds of disgusting individuals to create brand new souls with their disgusting genes and disgusting life circumstances is too horrible. I will never go back to believing in individual loci of consciousness bound to skulls. I think it is too torturous for me to consider that God is that evil. God is significantly less evil if I’m the only one suffering. I’d much rather bear the loneliness I feel than the hatred, anger, and sadness that results from believing people are conscious.
My aunt called and she made me feel a little better. Even if she’s not conscious, she is kind and loving and that’s what matters.
I don’t feel good. I don’t want to exist.
Waiting for the plane is boring and torturous. Why does God torture me?
When I was in the hospital back in February of last year Matt told me that when I got out I would have an important role to play in humanity. It seems that he couldn’t have been more wrong. He lied to me. I’m no one. I’m nothing. I have no talents to offer the world. My future in this world looks bleak.
And I didn’t eat all day because of not feeling good.