Ember of Enlightenment, Cherry Blossom of Pain

I feel alone and sad. I woke up very depressed today despite having a good dream. I feel trapped. I feel like crying but can’t. I feel melancholic about what my life has been like -– the things I’ve seen and those I haven’t, the moods I’ve felt and those I haven’t. My mom depresses me. I perceive her to be seriously stupid and annoying, besides being the host of pure evil for playing her central role in bringing me to this world.

I just walk in circles around this tiny house. The only time I go out is to my aunt’s house to workout. Every day the same thing. It is very disheartening and depressing to have nothing to look forward to in the foreseeable future. I don’t want to work. I’ve only held stupid people jobs in my life. One at Little Caesar’s and one at Clarke Mosquito Control, the other three I quit on either the first or second day. My mom keeps pestering me to get a stupid person job – at Little Caesar’s again or at Walmart. I feel that I’m at the bottom of some Hindu caste system.

I feel there’s an illusion of abundance. All the countries of the world don’t really exist. Only the places I go to exist. I listen to the same songs again and again because all the other millions of songs don’t exist. The fact that I see the same places and listen to the same music makes me feel the state-space of qualia is finite. If it was infinite there would be a lot more novelty. Sometimes I even doubt that languages I don’t understand are complete, coherent memetic architectures.

Randomness is also impossible. I used to try to randomize my life by clicking “random article” on Wikipedia. One time I decided to read from cover to cover any book that came up. On the first click Artificial Intelligence: A Modern Approach came up. And I was obviously interested in A.I. at the time. It was way too coincidental.

When all the internet and music were directly communicating with me I felt like this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bh1XRH4HrOY

And this another song by Raury I wish were true: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rMJUNyFZysw

From the song: Life is a thing you chose to have in heaven You came here for a reason but you cannot remember it.

When I tried to commit suicide I’m pretty sure I said, “I love you” to the paramedics. I don’t know where that came from. It was the delirium speaking. I felt I had no free will like in a dream. Needless to say I don’t actually feel that way. Humans disgust me. If they are conscious and suffer then they brought it on themselves for partaking in the original sin of reproduction – sucks for the sensitive and compassionate antinatalists of course. I don’t love anyone except maybe my nephews Adrian and Damian.

Another thing I hazily remember was rambling to the paramedics about the vast suffering across the multiverse. In my half-conscious state I remember one of the paramedic’s words. He said, “Nobody cares.” I felt simultaneously relieved and very hurt. Then I went back into unconsciousness.

7 thoughts on “Ember of Enlightenment, Cherry Blossom of Pain

  1. You don’t have free will in your dreams in the sense that you can’t decide for yourself? Or do you mean that your subconscious isn’t free? Find that weird. I can traverse the situations I am shown if I am myself in them or am a different agent like a girl, but sometimes I’m just shown flashing imagery which I can only watch, like a face looking at me or a slide-show of dead people relating to the perceived plane of immanence. Sometimes I am also led through a certain path to be shown things I can’t yet process through language ‘here’.
    At the very least I do what my processing sees fit which I believe is me, I don’t think desire is you or your will but either something that comes from a hyperstition (if I understand that term correctly), cultural implementation, media and human imitation of sorts and something conjured from components/elements of your entire set (body) which you reside in which is to be seen as a machine (not talking about the term Desiring-production, simply what I wrote).
    ‘Human sapience is the only project of exit’ is to be taken literally here, you say math is fake because you’re acting like an idiot, data processing requires a set of rules. Like what do you want? Exist in SCP’s 1861 water reality where everything is liquid and nonsensical, or maybe a pure plane of perception? Your perception will still need rules to follow and you will have a grid of possibility from that.
    Either way I find you pretty silly and it’s hard to communicate with you because your ideas are still borderline schizophrenic in a terribly disorganized way which I relate to in a sense as I used to have pseudohallucinations before my iq got raised closer to its genetic potential in the process of working myself towards a more loosely autistic but antifragile framework, leading my synaptic and neural pruning during a part of its final biological critical period which is ending soon, being about one year younger than you. Disconnecting from an excessive, unhealthy and predominantly schizophrenic and philosophical one.

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    • I mean that in my dreams it feels more like I’m watching a movie than in waking life.

      Also why do you bother to read this blog and comment frequently if you dislike me so much?

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      • I didn’t dislike what you did before. But now you’re stuck in a lame disorganized repetition of thought which I like commenting on, maybe any of it will help.

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  2. Hey there. Would you care to try something with me? I think we could be friends. I seem to share your excellent taste in divine creations. We could play games, or subject ourselves to some stimulating mathematical work, or we could even create something exciting with our combined talents. We might have lots of fun together! What do you say?

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