Today I didn’t wake up feeling great but definitely better than yesterday thanks to Amalie and Valentine. Amalie was very kind to offer to be my friend. I would like to be her friend even if for some reason I can no longer feel people as “just people” – creatures like myself.
Today I have to workout double since I skipped yesterday.
I’ve noticed this weird shitty little superpower that I have. I somewhat frequently predict what someone is going to say right before they say it. it feels like information traveled from the future to the present.
I didn’t finish my workout. I had a severe lack of willpower and so I just gave up during lateral raises and came back home to masturbate and shower. I kept asking, “Why? Why is this happening to me? I really want to do the workout – or rather, I really don’t want to be ugly. I want to be aesthetically pleasing.” I still think this is all some kind of punishment for my vanity. I used to blaze through my workouts, even recording them on a channel: https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCzuwHaHrA7_ClPjfeiVj1yQ Now if I recorded myself you would only see me sit there for long periods of time in between sets struggling to choose to pick up the damn weights.
I agree with him that the brain is just another perception, another hallucination. I used to be very interested in the brain when I was a physicalist. I thought all the secrets of the soul resided there. Now I think, “Yeah it doesn’t make sense. It’s an absurd tale. I can’t believe I fell for it.” I’m supposed to believe there’s a coherent mechanism in the brain for little pills fixing depression or for electric shocks to do the same.
Deepening pool of pale gold, leaking amber. Air, earth, diastole, systole, brain matter. Autumn fields and tall trees outside the lecture hall windows. Holding hands: time and eternity. Fairy tale love: invocation of blood and cum. Waking night, leaves down her throat. Chiseled limbs, kneeling and begging and believing. The truth – no man was there.