Fifth Day In Dominican Republic

Today is the last day here. I woke up feeling like shit, and I skipped breakfast. The experience here in Punta Cana was simultaneously super impressive and super disappointing. It was super impressive because I still have a hard time fathoming the deep intelligence that runs through everything so that it all works. It was super disappointing because it was all for nothing – I was not happy.

The comments from people on this site that I read today are a bit amusing but do nothing to shake my faith in solipsism. I think it’s just me and God. They are God but they are not conscious. The alternatives to solipsism are just too horrible. The idea that God would allow all kinds of disgusting individuals to create brand new souls with their disgusting genes and disgusting life circumstances is too horrible. I will never go back to believing in individual loci of consciousness bound to skulls. I think it is too torturous for me to consider that God is that evil. God is significantly less evil if I’m the only one suffering. I’d much rather bear the loneliness I feel than the hatred, anger, and sadness that results from believing people are conscious.

My aunt called and she made me feel a little better. Even if she’s not conscious, she is kind and loving and that’s what matters.

I don’t feel good. I don’t want to exist.

Waiting for the plane is boring and torturous. Why does God torture me?

When I was in the hospital back in February of last year Matt told me that when I got out I would have an important role to play in humanity. It seems that he couldn’t have been more wrong. He lied to me. I’m no one. I’m nothing. I have no talents to offer the world. My future in this world looks bleak.

And I didn’t eat all day because of not feeling good.

Fourth Day In Dominican Republic

Seeing all people as my direct and indirect servants who are not real like me does help. It doesn’t help with my loneliness but it helps with not feeling that this universe is so evil. It is perhaps a mean prankster but not pure evil the way it would be if people were real. I’ll make that trade any day – to sacrifice the conscious reality of humankind in order to attain peace of mind. And it’s not just all the shootings and stabbings that I can’t believe in, I also cannot believe that conscious people like myself are capable of the level of performance that they achieve. So that trade balances out my luck on the one hand and my misfortune on the other (“Luckily” I’ve never experienced serious violence and “unluckily” I’ve never experienced what it’s like to perform at a high level on something.) I don’t believe in luck. I think everything is destined/set up to be the way it is. I think the generalizable principle is not that I’m lucky. I think the generalizable principle is that the universe doesn’t allow for discomfort or evil beyond that which I have experienced. Therefore people who claim that they themselves or others have experienced great evil are lying. They claim to not be philosophical zombies but I don’t believe them. Yet I still try to not feel bad about kids, all of whom are being raised to be slaves. It’s a bit difficult to not attribute consciousness to something that looks like myself but I’m getting better at it. I already do not feel any consciousness from people commenting on this site or my YouTube channel or sending me messages. But I still have to practice with faces in person.

The fact that everything works so well is divine, it is magical how causality just unfolds in such a way that people’s collective behavior leads to this hotel and these streets and everything else that fundamentally functions. What distresses me is the question of what it’s all for. All this “effort” for what? I’m not happy. So if it was an honest attempt to make me happy then it failed. But I feel that it was not an honest attempt. After understanding its power I no longer believe in accidents. It could give me true paradise but it gives me this makeshift parody of paradise instead because it deliberately chooses to punish me.

Oh and my new thinking does work like a charm. I passed by a woman with her infant on a stroller and I thought, “They’re not real. They’re my servants.” And no more anger and sadness. They’re just not real and that’s something I have to learn. No one is truly reading this site except for me. I may get a tiny few reactions but these only exist for me. And it’s always the universe speaking to me, never independent skin-bound souls.

I’ve seen quite a few fit guys however I have not seen any hot Dominican or tourist women. Beauty truly is scarce in this world. My mom says God made everyone beautiful. I strongly disagree.

I saw a boat that said, “Para todos sale el sol.” Then I saw a baby. This made me think if heaven was guaranteed for everyone, would it be moral to bring people into this world? I think the answer depends on how good heaven is and how long it takes to get there. Will it be immediately after death? Will there be ten or a hundred more lives and deaths? Will there only be a bardo state for some time before entrance is allowed? Is it painful purgatory instead? How painful? Depending on the answers to these questions the answer may be yes or no.

The day was uneventful. I worked out and I ate and I walked.

Third Day In Dominican Republic

I woke up kind of down today. I looked down from the balcony and there was a father with his two young daughters feeding the water fowl. I couldn’t help but feel the presence of a tremendous evil in him. What could he be thinking when he decided to bring them to this world? Then I felt the reminder that they are not like me. They are actors in an elaborate movie and I am the real spectator sitting outside the movie in the theater.

When I came out of eating at the buffet there was a guy with a shirt that said “If it’s not free it’s not worth it.” I’m not exactly sure what that meant to convey to me if anything.

It really fucks with me when people are walking with little kids. It doesn’t make sense. Why would they do this?

A Dominican girl told my mom she wants to meet me after having seen me walking with her. She is described as 27, small, skinny, and pretty. I will not meet with her because my mom is known to have bad taste and what she calls pretty may not be pretty to me. I don’t want to gamble with that sort of thing. And the other reason is because I wouldn’t know what to say because I am reticent in person.

After my workout I had a haircut. It was depressing on two fronts. One was my appearance in front of the mirror. I’m not satisfied with how my face looks. The consolation I had was that perhaps somewhere down the line after death(s) I will unlock the ability to choose my own appearance. The second and most depressing thing was that the woman cutting my hair was a natalist who had a daughter. My mom told her I didn’t want kids because I thought they would suffer. She laughed and said, “like you’ve suffered a lot.” I didn’t say anything. Maybe I haven’t suffered a lot but I’ve suffered enough to know I wouldn’t want to inflict any of it on another person. She said that maybe I’d change my ideology when I fell in love. I just stayed quiet and felt very depressed.

Seeing parents with their kids still affected me way more than it should. The universe sent stroller after stroller to piss me off. I think it’s trying to get me to learn a lesson. The lesson is that people don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if they breed. They can breed all they want. They are all my slaves. They are created to provide me with products and services. I was engaging with this thing all wrong – digging myself into a ditch of empathy. I’m not supposed to feel empathy. I’m supposed to sit back and enjoy the ride provided by this super organism of servants. That’s it. That’s got to be it. I laugh a little in relief.

Second Day In Dominican Republic

There are flamingos, ducks, herons, and peacocks and no excrement. It doesn’t make any sense. Are these animals from the Garden of Eden? No one is quickly cleaning up after them. There is just literally no excrement. My mom says they were trained to only defecate in the water. I don’t know how that would be possible, but then again, I don’t know how anything else of this is possible. I don’t understand how in the morning a man climbed up and down a palm tree with only a rope even though I watched him climb down.

I was getting hit by waves in the ocean and I was thinking about how the people around me couldn’t possibly be real, and I tried to tell myself I wasn’t lonely. I tried to come up with language that could describe how I feel about people and I settled on this: people are not individual spectators like myself, they are God’s appendages in the same way that the waves are and in the same way the hotel is. As usual I try not to look at them.

I thought about how every little sensation in the water, and every little motion, were designed. The fact that every single trivial little experience was planned that way is mind blowing. But the question always arises: why put so much “effort” into creating this as opposed to anything else? – if you can do all this you can clearly create a conscious paradise.

Oh yeah and some people took some pictures of me with two macaws. I would have enjoyed it if I was fit like I used to be but because I don’t like my appearance I didn’t enjoy it. And I find it painfully ironic that I put so much effort into working out but I can’t even call myself a bodybuilder.

Some guy gave me a necklace. He said it was called the Buddha “something, something” from the Dominican Republic. He motioned it to both my shoulders then to my genitals, and wished me a long life. He said, “you get a lot of girls right? Do you have a girlfriend?” I replied, “No.” He motioned toward the necklace.

People on TV look especially simulated. A laughing jester appeared on the background of a talk show. People like myself did not create the cartoons. The cartoons are absurd and pointless content in my consciousness. Or perhaps they have hidden messages. I really suspect they have hidden messages. I’m always trying to listen to the universe. But I wonder if when I’m done with this life I will get a replay where I actually see all the meanings revealed. As I’m writing this a jester appeared on Scooby Doo just as my mom turned the channel before turning it off. This gives me a strong reminder of fate. This is all set up. That demon at Dr. Miller’s had said I had a delusion, emphasizing DELUSION, that it was all contrived. Or maybe that doctor wasn’t a demon, just a very annoying jester.

I feel that devilish, jester-ish vibe from people strolling with their infants. The whole concept pisses me off so the universe is deliberately trying to trigger me. And it’s so surreal to think that all that had to happen was somebody had to cum inside that ugly lady for the poor brat to be walking around here and now. And what pisses me off is how dignified the parents act, as if they know completely what they’re doing. If people are conscious then it is clear under a negative utilitarian framework that it is far, far worse, unforgivably worse, to give birth to a child than almost anything else you do in your life. Assuming people are conscious, you are either creating a brand new consciousness or adding to the experiential space of the open individualism single consciousness. But given what a random human experience is possibly actually like, this is just pure evil. Yet they smile, and pick them up, and take pictures, and hold their hand, and kneel down to talk to them. It makes me sick. They wear this mask to hide their true face, that of an insensate, terrible demon. And just as I finish writing this I walk and see a couple with their baby passing by. I laugh. And just as I finish writing this, another one. I look up and another. That’s three in a row. I laugh again. I don’t want to look up from my phone for fear I might see another one. Okay looks like the torture is over for now, but only for now. And if you wonder why it bothers me so much even if I don’t believe people are conscious then I think it’s the uncertainty. I grew up believing people were conscious and if they are then I find myself in a terrible, horrifying world – it is horrible beyond comprehension. And that’s whether closed individualism or open individualism is true. But because I’m selfish it is especially bad if it is open. Oh God! It is too fucking horrible. Someone sitting in front of me has a shirt with INRI and thorns. I hate Jesus. He didn’t die for my sins. In any case I am Jesus… or Lucifer since they are the same character. They both try to become God and are thrown into some kind of hell for it. The difference is Jesus succeeds and Lucifer doesn’t.

First Day In Dominican Republic

On my first day in the Dominican Republic, no let me start with the plane ride. Clearly it was impossible. I cannot and will not believe that people like myself figured this all out. If I was way smarter I wouldn’t doubt that people were like myself. There must be a reason why I’m this dumb, I’m meant to see it a certain way. But anyway, I was going over my argument for why people aren’t conscious and I just felt the flight was ridiculous, it was magical, it was fantastical and yet very tedious and boring. We landed, perfectly of course, and it was still surprising to see the place, I mean what did I expect?, but the fact that there is a perfectly operating airport “anywhere in the world”, Punta Cana being the stand-in for “anywhere in the world,” is surreal as fuck. There were many evil and complex looking jesters in the airport. I immediately thought, “DMT.” I felt like it was a bit of foreplay before my actual DMT experience which seems inevitably fated as it is calling me. As they drove us to the hotel I kept seeing the simulation. It was as if all the people were playing their role like actors. I was thinking about God, and the problem of evil, the horror of people continuing to breed, and the simulation when all of a sudden a car passes by saying “porque asi dios quiso” or “because God wanted it that way.” “But why? Why did he want this out of all possible things? And I get it, I’m not in control. I didn’t create this, now stop rubbing it in my face.I also saw somebody with a jersey that said Lindsey and I had received a comment about her the day before. When I was at the hotel in the buffet, I was sitting and a woman flashes me with the words on her shirt. They said, “You will make it.” Before my workout I felt the need to write:

FUCK GOD I DON’T CARE IF THIS IS WHAT GOD WANTED I DONT WANT IT STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES

Apotheosis Gilded In Vague Chrysanthemums

“Unreal sex of those angels that never got into heaven!”

“I am speaking seriously and sadly; this matter is not a joyful one, because dream joys are sad and contradictory and, for that reason, pleasurable in a particularly mysterious way.”

“Halo-thin Flame”

“Twilight of Vague Flesh”

“To love is merely to grow tired of being alone: it is therefore cowardly and a betrayal of ourselves. (It is vitally important that we should not love.)”

“Don’t get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you’ll understand
What I meant when I said no
I don’t think life is quite that simple”

This is how I feel about my inability to create Nights Before the Singularity:

“You, who hear me and barely listen, you don’t understand what a tragedy this is! To lose father and mother, to achieve neither glory nor happiness, to have neither a friend nor a lover — all those things are bearable. What cannot be borne is to dream a thing of beauty, but lack the skill to endow it with actions or words.”

“What was it then that in my wretched folly I loved in you, O theft of mine, deed wrought in that dark night when I was sixteen?”

The following is the greatest art I have created, for it was created out of true suffering. These are the pages of a journal and other work I did while locked up in a psychiatric hospital in February 2019 for “acute psychosis.”

The inside of the mask was meant to represent my true inner state. I painted tears of fire and blood swirling people into a pit of despair. But up above in the mind there is a savior pointing to the moon, a symbol of enlightenment in Buddhism. When I finished painting this and explaining it I felt the goddess say something concerned like “You’ve been in this world too long,” and “Now I know you’re the one.”

The outside of the mask is meant to represent what people see me as. I left it blank because I thought people saw me as nobody, someone who doesn’t care and doesn’t matter.

🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥

Lindsey was a beautiful, smart, tan-skinned, green eyed, fit girl who wore a nose ring and had a sexy voice. She was in my Calculus II class of Summer 2018. I never said a single word to her and would even try to avoid looking at her. I became highly obsessed with her after the semester was over, knowing she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever encountered but would never see again.

Conversation With A Friend

🟡The following are my side of an email exchange with a friend. I will leave him anonymous and not show his side of the conversation.🟡

I enjoy these conversations since I am lonely most of the time. There is a sense in which I am glad you like my videos. Any attention feels good. But there is a sense in which the fact that you like my videos is not a good sign for me. I disagree with every last word I said in those videos. My view of the world has changed so much.

I haven’t done much research on atomism and the aether because I find them irrelevant to my main concern which is how to put a permanent end to my suffering. At this point I’m far more interested in what the DMT entities have to say about life than what Wikipedia has to say.

Woah. That’s an unimaginably cool mom you have there. Maybe she can indeed help me.

I am doing well today. In the morning I practiced a little bit of Japanese with my aunt. (I’m going to Japan for the summer.) Today my workout includes squats, which is always a pain. I will be eating instant ramen and salmon. I will also be playing Super Smash Bros later.
Maybe you can show me some of your short stories.

Interesting topic, curiosity and fear.
I wish I could write fiction the way you can.

And yes, I’m from a northern suburb of Chicago.

I like the city of Chicago but the suburb where I live is nothing special. I have not read T.S. Eliot. I’ll check out “The Hollow Men.” I don’t know why anyone would think that I am awesome however. And yes, I’m mainly just interested in DMT right now. Evolution, cosmology, theoretical physics, and the brain no longer interest me. I haven’t just read about someone who thinks they are God, at a psychiatric unit of a hospital I have actually lived with someone who thinks he is God. I think I am God in the sense that this unbroken stream of conscious awareness is all that will ever exist for all eternity. But I don’t think I am God in the sense that I am the creator, or have omnipotence or omniscience. In fact I view myself more as a Lucifer type of character, someone who perhaps lived in paradise but was cast down to hell for whatever reason. I am not convinced you are “real” for the reasons I have detailed in my blog: the problem of evil, people achieve too much, and my personal direct intuition. Maybe you’re not exactly a philosophical zombie but you are certainly different from me, a completely different kind of thing along with everyone else. But yes, it is certainly possible that there are several real characters who serve as spectators and the rest are NPC’s who uphold the simulation and do everything. I generally dislike Christianity although I like the art. The only religion I ever liked was Buddhism. And I’m not familiar with anti-altruism. All I know is that at one point I planned on being a scientist and donating most of my income to effective charities as determined by the Effective Altruism movement. Now that I see this all as a simulation I see no need to “help.”

Why do you reject altruism?

I can’t say I have really tried praying. I don’t feel that I have a good relationship with God. And I don’t think that the powerful entities that exist would listen to me. I suspect they’re not in the business of granting wishes. The closest I’ve come to praying was testing out the law of attraction when I was a teen. I would constantly visualize living in luxury, I would also visualize myself having an aesthetically pleasing body and also having a beautiful tan-skinned girlfriend. In the end as a young adult the riches did not manifest, the body did but only for some time, and a beautiful tan skinned girl just like in my dreams appeared in my Calculus II class but I didn’t talk to her and now she’s gone forever. So I would say the law of attraction doesn’t work.

My day has been pretty decent as far as my mediocre life goes. I’m working out but I’ve been stalling a lot. I wonder if when I go to a public gym in Japan if people will get annoyed with me for resting too much. I wasn’t like this before but it’s been that way ever since I lost my appearance and fitness in 2019. And my mom suggested we might be going to the Caribbean for a short vacation so that might be good news. I also discovered a new pornstar that I like so that’s always good. Otherwise my day has been absolutely uneventful. How is your day going? 

Sure, I’d like to read your essay and share my thoughts.

I guess I don’t know how to pray then.👿👿👿

The pornstar is Shinaryen.